my mom
my mom turns 39 today!
happy birthday mommy!

ok... she's not 39- but it is her birthday!
my mom is one of a kind. she's super cute and has a slight east coast accent. she has the most interesting hands, she is supurb second grade teacher, she gives her grandkids wonderful books to read. she corrects my grammer and when i curse as well.

she is incredibly intelligent and we talk politics often. she challenges me to put my money where my mouth is- not by lecturing but by showing. she has toutored inner city kids, has lived in the inner city, and has welcomed people from all different backgrounds to our home.

she is very strong... she lost my dad over two years ago and embraces missing him terribly and living life to the fullest in a way that is inspiring and models grief for me. she laughs at my jokes, loves me when i'm being stubborn, rejoices with me when i'm happy, crys with me when i'm hurt, and always wants to brush my curly hair. she has been patient with me as i grow nicer and more moderate and less know-it all-ish.

i know that moms are supposed to do this kind of thing; but i am very grateful that God gave me my mom for a mom. i think she does an exceptional job

today's mantra
process not product
process not product
process not product
process not product
process not product
process not product
process not product

+++

what contributes to our phobia to 'failure'?
the hyperlink article describes some of my experience through schooling and the practice of art making; it has had a squelching effect on creativity in my life.

but there are other contexts that this applies to as well. my spiritual life for one. i seriously wonder if the Lord will tell us it's tragic that we missed the whole point down here.

why is it that success is defined like this? and when did that happen? (this is when i want to pick up some linguistic book or philosophy of linguistics)

i know that we need something to aim for... but it seems like spiritual life has bought into a bunch of bullshit- making it far from counter cultural.

sometimes i just get depressed by how not different things are for the Church and worse yet- my life in particular.

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chewable vitamin
"my heroes are the ones who survived doing it wrong, who made mistakes, but recovered from them." ~ bono

announcing
my friend lori is blogging.

my gratitude list
i can talk to the Lord anytime
that He gets me
that he doesn't think of me as 'work'.
my sobriety
forgiveness for all the timess i botch it.
my ears work
my legs work
charles
my mom
charles' smile
charles' wisdom
my church
my sister's surgery going well
my neicy laurel
maggie
nora
aidan
jack
matt
andrea
brian
my dad's life
the process of saying goodbye to my dad
the dogwoods on cambridge
my new job
health insurance
dental insurance
my 403b contribution is starting again
overdraft protection
the fox
chris
chels
emerson
their house
their generousity
eveline
jess
joe
books
u2
music
laurie
chad
aliya
i'm alive
that my feelings get hurt sometimes
that i'm not in jail.
that my record is cleared
my time in albania
i'm in touch with lori again
tristan

i think it would be great if what i could live a consitant life where i lived in line with my 'convictions'. it's much harder to do that than i thought. i spend too much time talking about what i think instead of doing it. i drive me batty sometimes.

~~~~~~~~~~
chewable vitamin
"out of our quarrels with others we make rhetoric. out of our quarrels with ourselves we make poetry." ~ william butler yeats

streams

:: spring is the best. i can think of nothing negative about it.
:: charles makes me smile. i have been diagnosed with chronic smiling
:: i've given up on following the presidential campaigns. it makes politics resemble a high brow second grade recess name calling match.
:: i hope my sister is sleeping well tonight. she is recouping from surgery. please pray for her if you think of it.
:: my niecey learned how to throw things up in the air. i am very proud of her.
:: i am very tired right now.
:: it's still very effin cold in this room of mine.
:: i wonder if the bookloft has a wedding registery.
:: i hope my first attempt at gardening goes ok this season and that the bastard animals don' highjack it. down w/ squirrels.

of conscientiousness.

chewable vitamin
"he who has never hoped can never despair." ~ george bernard shaw

having a weird first day of work...

more soon.

worried and praying.

chewable vitamin
"The power of God to guide me,
The might of God to uphold me,
The wisdom of God to teach me,
The eye of God to watch over me,
The ear of God to hear me,
The word of God to give me speech,
The hand of God to protect me,
The way of God to go before me,
The shield of God to shelter me....

Christ be with me, Christ before me,
Christ behind me, Christ within me,
Christ beneath me, Christ above me,
Christ at my right, Christ at my left,
Christ in the heart of every man who thinks of me,
Christ in the mouth of every man who speaks to me,
Christ in every eye that sees me,
Christ in every ear that hears me."

~ st. patrick

chewable vitamin
"laughter is wine for the soul -- laugh soft, or loud and deep, tinged through with seriousness. comedy and tragedy step through life together, arm in arm... once we can laugh, we can live." ~ sean o’casey

cliff notes to the weekend
i’ve had an eventful couple of days! here’s an overview:

i spent a long weekend in chicago. i left friday to pick up charles in cleveland and then headed onward to the windy city.

we covered lots of ground during our trip...

:: we stayed with a dear friend and her husband and got to bond with their new son. charles passed the interview.
:: my older brother and his clan were in the area as well and we met up with them for some bowling.
:: on our way out of town, we ate breakfast with college friends who recently moved for a job.

it was a great way to reunite w/ charles. we also got some dr. brown's black cherry at this landmark upon cydney's recommendation (she's a skokie native).

one of the more notable things about our evening w/ the nashvillian sully's was the growth of feet for my nephew aidan. not only is he growing like a weed- he has two new teeth to boot! unbelievable! it is so cool to watch these kids grow up.

last, but not least; i accepted a job offer! i start my new job monday (march 22nd). i'm soooo grateful and relieved! although i am nervous that the pay cut may leave a mark.

create your personalized map of europe
or write about it on the open travel guide

sometin somtin

chewable vitamin
"real isn't how you are made," said the skin horse. "it's a thing that happens to you. when a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real." "does it hurt?" asked the rabbit. "sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "when you are Real you don't mind being hurt." "does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?" "it doesn't happen all at once," said the skin horse. "you become. it takes a long time. that's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. but these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

> margery williams, from the velveteen rabbit

chewable vitamin
"far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure, than to take rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in the gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat." ~ teddy roosevelt 1899

i fear

that one day, i will wake up and grandview will have become one big strip mall.

evening mosey
last night, i went down to german villiage for some time to think, read, pray, journal and plan. it was very refreshing. then, i went to the book loft. i try to make this a monthly ritual but have fallen out of practice since the holidays. i booked my next linger for april. hopefully, i will get back into my pattern. i need time to linger and not have an agenda.

shout out to chelsea

it's my friend chelsea's birthday today!

well, where shall i start? a fond memory? a funny story? an embarrassing moment? hmmmm....

how about a top ten list...

top ten things i appreciate about chelsea

> she thinks well but is connected to her emotions.
> chelsea welcomes me into her family and includes me.
> she loves jesus and gives me courage to love Him more.
> chelsea's relationship with her son. it's so motivating to watch.
> she challenges me and helps me tease out thoughts that are sometimes fuzzy.
> chelsea shares herself with me and lets me know her.
> she likes art like i like art.
> chelsea is a great story teller.
> she loves me and tells me so...
> chelsea is not canned. she's the real deal.

i'm still sad
well. it's seeped into today. it has been previously established in the blogdom that *this* is not a place to emote. i am now processed over my current sadness. so i can say that the conclusion to this process is:

it is hard when i have read and am taught that the christian expereince is supposed to be 'revolutionary' and counter cultural, when my expereince falls short of that description. i feel very alone in the problems that charles and i face. i understand cognitively that we are not; but it hasen't managed to improve my mood. i know the disparities between what i hear and what i expereince are simply evidences of the already and the not yet- but still; it is difficult.

+++ come Lord heal.
+++ come Lord provide.
+++ You have won. show me your victory.

my better half
i finally knows what that means. charles obugo okonkwo excels far beyond me in most of life. he's definately my better in the really important parts of life. i can't believe that God has given me the gift of him.

~~~~~~~~~

i had a rough day. actually a rough latter half of the day-
i'm learning to not classify whole days. if something bad happens; maybe it can just be isolated to a bad couple of hours. i'll let you know how this theory works out.

this evening's time with a little boy named emerson helped redeem the crappy part to make it more bearable. we danced together.

i'm into these squigglies.

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here's what is giving me peace tonight...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

chewable vitamin
Rev. 7.9-13; 15-17
9After this I saw a vast crowd, too great to count, from every nation and tribe and people and language, standing in front of the throne and before the Lamb. They were clothed in white and held palm branches in their hands. 10And they were shouting with a mighty shout, "Salvation comes from our God on the throne and from the Lamb!"
11And all the angels were standing around the throne and around the elders and the four living beings. And they fell face down before the throne and worshiped God. 12They said,

"Amen! Blessing and glory and wisdom
and thanksgiving and honor and power and strength
belong to our God forever and forever. Amen!"…

15That is why they are standing in front of the throne of God, serving him day and night in his Temple. And he who sits on the throne will live among them and shelter them. 16They will never again be hungry or thirsty, and they will be fully protected from the scorching noontime heat. 17For the Lamb who stands in front of the throne will be their Shepherd. He will lead them to the springs of life-giving water. And God will wipe away all their tears."

this quote seemed sutiable for the season. oh- how i wish there was another way...

chewable vitamin
"without struggle you cannot obtain the crown of patience, and if you refuse to suffer you are refusing the crown. but if you desire to be crowned, fight bravely and bear up patiently. without labor there is no rest, and without fighting, no victory."
~ a kempis

urban legend confirmed
it's a widley known urban legend that there is a functioning brothel in grandview city limits. this weekend, an adventure confirmed this information. on a dare (a dare that is floated often in my friend circle- (sick but true)); i found out that this random building is actually a functioning brothel.

fulfilling the dare was very anticlimatic. it dampered our spirits the rest of the evening to find out this *thing* that we thought might be true and the mystery surrounding it; has no mystique- no fun, no adventure. it breaks my heart.