im w/ jack
he's my 4 yr. old nephew (one of two)

me: andrea?
thesullys: no jack
me: hi jack!
thesullys: i love you
me: i love you too!
me: i thought u were at school?
thesullys: **imagine green sick looking smiley face**
thesullys: that is my favorite smiley
me: maybe u just got back
me: that's a funny one
thesullys: qqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqq
thesullys: Daddy is helping me twype
me: ah ha
me: !
thesullys: wqerfdsazxcvbnmuiopoiuytrekjkk
me: r u playing games?
thesullys: but i'm not!
thesullys: fjrom daddy and jack
thesullys: we put the car into the mechanic
me: you're a good typer dude
thesullys: and hdq qto qqpaqckq qevqeryonqe but aidan into the passat
me: got it
thesullys: qqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqq
me: so glad u got the asspat?
thesullys: jack is q hap
thesullys: happ
thesullys: y
me: wouldn't u be?
thesullys: i ate cheese tortillas for lunch
thesullys: nora is crying so we might have to get over to her
thesullys: did nana get her flowers
me: tomorrow
thesullys: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
me: classic

postables
a variety of things that i could report on- but i don’t really have time to filter my disjointed thoughts into an appropriate ‘postable’ format. so, for now, i will post a silly list and hope to post something incredibly meaningful and profound this weekend.

today, i am looking forward to introducing friends from my former workplace (gretchen and korge) to charles; and introducing charles to barley’s where we will hang.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

random things ranging from funny to ridiculous…
~ the uproar from non adoptive fundamentalist christians over gay couples who adopt.
~ that veternarians make more money than teachers.
~ that more people don't think like me. ;)
~ my little niecey wants badly to throw things up in the air but can’t seem to figure out how to release something from her grip.
~ boxing.
~ atheists in AA.
~ the fees involved in burial and given to the funeral industry.

chewable vitamin
"when peoples care for you and cry for you, they can straighten out your soul.”
~ langston hughes

today's summary

lowlight: rotolo's has become a chain. tis a good thing to spread the wealth.. i guess. but it feels like a sell out.
highlight: the sun. the fact that i came to work in the light and will return in the light... the days are getting longer!

in light of the fact that i have just completed an hour by playing with candle wax, memorized by the candle light, and listening to van morrison- i couldn't in good faith post a serious chewable for the day. so here you have it...

chewable vitamin
"you know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is chinese, the swiss hold the america's cup, france is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in america are named 'bush', 'dick', and 'colon'."
~ chris rock

coming soon
++ principles from aa that could benefit the church
++ wwjb
++ boundaries for bloggers

~~~~~~~

interesting article of the day from the don of the ny times.

chewable vitamin
“if future generations are to remember us more with gratitude than sorrow, we must achieve more than just the miracles of technology. we must also leave them a glimpse of the world as it was created, not just as it looked when we got through with it.”
~ lyndon baines johnson

weekend
sleep
throw stuff away
goto west African grocery
cook at kay’s?
megan for Indian food
coffee w/ debbie
sleep
meet the press
brunch w/ the fam
van Morrison
stereolab
look for work
finish book
hyperlink ass off

hilarious
i heart the internet.

daily chewable vitamin
"if there is no struggle, there is no progress."
~ frederick douglas

testing
this is an imagine from the work of chaim soutine. he rocks. i saw an exhibit of his work at the jewish museum. is this legal what i'm doing here? how do i make this smaller? i have no idea what i'm doing.

chewable vitamin
“when we look around us at some of the conflict areas of the world, it becomes increasingly clear that there is not much of a future for them without forgiveness, without reconciliation. God has blessed us richly so that we might be a blessing to others. quite improbably, we as south africans have become a beacon of hope to others locked in deadly conflict that peace that a resolution, is possible. if it could happen in South Africa, then it can certainly happen anywhere else. such is the exquisite divine sense of humor.”
~ bishop desmond tutu
from the preface of the truth and reconciliation commission**
**see more commentary on this in 1.29.04 entry

uneventful
i helped my mom do door stuffing for the levy last night. i am totally wiped out. we were supposed to hang over dinner with some good folk over dinner. i am honestly a bit relieved that it won't happen. not b/c i don't adore them- but i am spent.

i hosted another baby shower for a girlfriend from highschool which was nice. however, it was tricky without the fox at my disposal. but everything got done and i am supposed to pick up the pimped out fox today at 3pm. hopefully, i won't have any more maintenance for awhile.

i had a good job interview last week. but it kinda stressed me out b/c they talked about the salary- which i was not prepared to think about- let alone talk about. i'm pretty sure i would like the job. but the salary scares me.

i felt like a complete failure last night. but my sponsor gave me a pep talk. then i regained perspective. i can loose it in a matter of moments and it really can be the most important factor and rudder to my mood. it is ok that i am poor and temping at 30. it is ok that i am poor and temping at 30. it is ok... nix that. actually- my mantra should be that i am not defined by my income or vocation. she (my sponsor) helped me to remember that life doesn't just happen to me; but that i have choices (although half my battle is seeing them/ creating them). i am grateful for her.

tonight, i'm going to visit my friend who had nuerosurgery yesterday morning. i'm bringing her traveling mercies for her reading enjoyment during her recovery. anne lamott reminds me of my friend very much. plus, the book was a good read. i'm supposed to do her families laundry tomorrow at her house. i think i will skip kinshit.

charles is currently de-icing the 6 inches of ice on our stoop and walkway. gotta love that guy.

chewable vitamin
“character, not circumstances, makes the man.”
~booker t. washington

doubled
am doubled over in pain. got estimate for fox.

this saddened me.

things i can count on...
~ if i do the same things i ¡'ve done; ¡'ll get the same things ¡'ve got.
~ seeing my dad in heaven w/ a New Body.
~ i will be hurt by others. intentionally and unintentionally.
~ it is more important for me to forgive than it is for me to understand.
~ it is to my benefit to not be have a demanding spirit or be a brat in relation to the Lord and those around me.
~ if I allow the Lord to change me; He will.
~ God's love for me.
~ when i make good decisions; i feel good; even when the decision is hard. when i make bad ones; i feel like crap.

chewable vitamin...

"never give in--never, never, never, never, in nothing great or small, large or petty, never give in except to convictions of honour and good sense."
~ sir winston churchill, speech, 1941, harrow school

lifting mood
my serotonin levels are increasing. i love the sun. i have missed you sun. please stay.

stressed
my car caught on fire this morning. it was funny and tragic all at the same time. i am fine. i will live. the fox will live.

it may be true that money doesn't make you happy (although i'm unsure that i buy that completely); but it certainly makes your life a lot easier.

chewable vitamin:

"i do not pray for success, i ask for faithfulness... do not wait for leaders; do it alone, person to person."
~ mother teresa

why the hague tribunal is a crock of shit:**
by me.

is the answer...

a. b/c it's actually called the vague tribunal.
b. b/c the UN is simply a rouge to cover the formation of a one world government to lead to the uprising of the antichrist and blah blah blah.
d. b/c a frenchman is the president.

maybe the tribunal isn't a joke- but it's hard to take them seriously.

one example of the tribunal's work can be seen in the trial of a man named radislav krstic. this tyrant was responsible for what happened in 1995 srebrenica (7000 muslim men were executed). he was given a 40 some year sentence. what a joke!

now slobo milosovic has highjacked the tribunal and dragged out his trial with *the dog ate my home work* kind of excuses.

within the last year, the UN was angry with the US government for not subjecting our military to the jurisdiction of the tribunal. if i remember correctly; it was tied to cooperation/ support of action in iraq. (if anyone knows what i'm talking about; please fill in my blanks). i couldn't find references to this situation.

here's a brief history of the tribunal. it has nobel roots in the nuremberg trials after WWII to try Naizis.

an alternative that i find interesting/ encouraging revolves around apartheid. it involves prison time, and money to those that suffered. it is a sovereign government that is implementing it. i realize the balkans aren't as stable as south africa. but it still is a pretty intriguing forum.

i think war crimes are terrible and need to be taken seriously. they need a serious forum. i'm pretty sure that i'm in favor of a worldwide court. i think that it should include prosecuting governments that had the power to intervene but instead; stood by and watched it happened and decided it wasn't their problem.

i'm not always this serious.

** if my rant has offended you; please except my apologies, take two lighten up pills and call me in the morning.

this evening...
we went to baja fresh b/c i had this coupon that fed us both for $2. can't beat that. talked, laughed and had a great time just being. then we went to half price books. it was actually a disappointing trip! it's the first time i can remember in a very long time being let down by the selection (or better said- the quality of the selection). NO books on rwanda (see post from tuesday)? weird. all told- we actually got out of there in less than an hour. a record for me.

change gears
i want to begin a practice to post quotes that i like. the reason for their selection may vary widley. they could be silly- to make me laugh b/c i'm taking myself too seriously at the given moment. for the most part, i find myself appreciating words from people who've gone before me that address topics that require bravery or that provide somesort of impetus to move. i should mention that i'd like to post images as well of art that i like or that makes me think- but i can't seem to figure out how to do that. this guy tried to teach me last week on AOL IM but it doesn't archieve and i forget what he said and now i can't do it... but i've gotten off track-

i'll call this portion the "chewable vitamin". chewable b/c it may be thought-provoking; and vitamin b/c it will hopefully move me, and perhaps you towards action or change.

ofcourse- as you can probably guess- this is not an original idea. i've borrowed it. but i gave up being original awhile ago when i discovered i couldn't be... plus, people often say stuff of meaning way better than me. so here we go...

chewable vitamin
"a peaceful man does more good than a learned man...
he who knows best how to suffer will enjoy the greater peace, because he is the conqueror of himself, the master of the world, a friend of Christ, and an heir of heaven."

~ thomas a'kempis

last couple days

i've had an eventful couple of days. i had a stressful weekend with some enjoyable highlights. seeing the kay's was great. laying in bed on what seemed like an endless saturday morning; candles lit, surrounded by books, and cacooned in my down comforter was wonderful as well.

sunday, i threw (in conjunction w/ my oldest girlfriend laurie) a baby shower for jess. we had it at my mom's and i think it went fairly well. the measurement is that jess felt loved and special (at least she said she did).

one thing that i have noticed is that when there is a significant accumulation of snow; i feel as though i am in a movie- watching myself travel through life. snow insulates sound and everything seems to happen in slow motion. me gusta snow. best yet, charles is making lotsa bones off the snow.

insomnia

last night, i did not sleep well. i arrived home and watched a show on the history channel that was very disturbing.

it was about the serb guerilla leader arkan. he was directly responsible for much of the genocide that happened in the early to mid 1990's in the Balkan wars. he is dead now and speculation surrounding his asasignation was tied to this monster. more on him in a moment.

both these guys are really bad dudes.

it just got me thinking about american foreign policy. then i got nauseated. then i couldn't goto sleep. i know that there is valor in non aggression and pacifism and that it has a big role in the history of the evangelical church. but our country's previous policies of isolationism that allows for the genocide of whole people groups is not noble. it is self serving.

if you are reading this and want to ask me if i think america should be the world's police man- the answer is yes. i think we should stick up for the little guy. nobody else does.

the cliche "never again"- referring to the pacifism/isolationism that allowed the holocaust to happen tires me. not b/c i disagree with it- but b/c it has already happened again. our government knowingly avoids (with other able bodied countries) conundrums out of self preservation all the time. case in point. 800,000 people dead in a matter of months. within the last decade it has happened again and continues to happen (although i am not literate enough in world affairs to cover them all here- but i found a site i will be poking around for awhile).

and by the way- i don't mean to sound like i'm bashing all american policy. i actually love being american. i really do.

this may sound like a rant- but please interject if i should be think about this from another angle. i don't have my mind all made up- even though this post may lead you to believe that i do...

coming soon-
why the hague tribunal is a crock of shit.

shameless plug
i'm dating a wonderful man who recently moved into town so that we could be together. charles is from nigeria and we are facing a variety of challenges.

if you have (or know of a living situation) that is available for little to no cost (or for a trade of service), for a month or more; please let me know in the comment section.

if you have (or know of someone who does) a work situation where he could be paid in cash (odd jobs, work for an independently owned buisness etc); please let me know in the comment section.

thanks!

++++++++

plenty to write about but not time to do it. will write more this evening or tomorrow...

state of my union:

as i sit and consider the state of my spirit I get kind of depressed.

i know that i only have this polaroid camera view of spirituality. i can be terribly simplistic and formulatic in my faith. this is tough for me to admit. i want to be a modern mystic that says all kinds of fantastic things that are profound and ethereal.

but the truth is that my life (both outer and inner) don’t look like what i want them to look. i try to wake up and pray. i’d like to study more than do; i wish it was easier to tell the truth. i’d like to treat money like it belongs to God. but the reality is; so much of my aspirations fall short. the ones that i do ‘fulfill’; i expect to produce more inward change than they accomplish.

the only thing I can say is simply- that I think that I get what it means a little bit more this year than I did last year- that God loves me no matter what…

this year, i have learned a bit more about what it means to take responsibility for my choices rather than being chronically pissed at the world. i guess i think of that as influencing my spiritual health.

the other thing that has dawned on me through the entrance of charles into my life is the reminder that i’m not always right. the way that I look at things; my perspective and the like- i can often be wrong. i know- i know- i look like an egocentric fool- but yeah- i wasn’t fooling anyone anyways. being grounded in the reality that I have a margin of error has helped me move closer to right sized- and that’s always a good thing for God’s stage in my life.

the last thing is this- I am learning to ‘live life on lifes terms’. this is an invaluable phrase that is used in AA. i love it. it helps me to remember that God intended for me to live in reality- and not in my altered state (being drunkenness or sober delusion). God wants me to live my life the way it is- not the way that i wish it was. in being present in the moment; accepting God’s script instead of my own; i get to see cool things, and watch Him change me- little by little. i want monumental change in me- i want world-changing influence. i have lots of grandiose thoughts about what God should do with me.

He wants my fidelity; He wants my love. He wants me to love others. even when there is no gain or stroke for me. even when people steal from me and mock me.

i outlined a manifesto of sorts that covers each major relationship in my life. while i wouldn't feel comfortable posting it for the world to read (although at this point it's only myt mom and anne reading this probably); i'll give you a taste.

in the year to come, i would like my life to take steps towards these ends:

+ i will focus on basics of my faith- repentance, forgiveness and selfless love. i will avoid spiritual bells and whistles.

+ i want to integrate creativity into my spiritual life again. i will make space for art making.

+ i will reject the lie and repent of the thought that i don't fit in anywhere.

+ i will not allow the fact that i have no money effect my giving. i will look for chances to give my money away to those not as fortunate as me. money is not my master.

+ i will work all 12 steps.

this is the state of my union.

an eventful week..

in the world of politics.

have not spoken with my mom. she is probably bummed on many accounts. her man dropped out of the race. in addition, last nights speech probably has her on a rampage. my bet is she refused to listen to it. she really has taken a distinct disliking to bush.

i guess i think kerry will make the race more competitive and therefore- more interesting as well.

i listened to the speech last night. i thought it was ok.

can i just say that i really like the fact that our election system includes caucuses? i think it's important that there be a discourse. not only between tim russert and a political candidate; but between a common citizen and the political candidate.

there's an interesting european perspective to read here. i really like this publication. if i made more money- i would make it a subscription. there is a link w/in the economist article to learn more about the primary process. in addition, you can click here if your interested in reading more about the history.

my sister...

my sister is very funny and loud. these are the adjectives that charles uses to describe megan. she is many other things too but we will only highlight the uplifting one's here.

megan is many things to many people. she is a mom to a beautiful little gem named laurel. a wife to a gentle man named brian. a daughter to my mom and my dad who has passed. she is adored in many ways and for many reasons.

i could go into the laundry list of reasons why she is loved- there are a lot.

the truth is that my relationship with megan has been quite and journey. she drives me crazy sometimes and i know i do the same for her.

but somehow- i just love her. i love her for who she is and who she is becoming. it seems no matter what we do to piss eachother off- we can't stop loving eachother. which is really nice when you think about it. i know it can border on dysfunctional but i kinda don't care.

i know that God's love for me is unconditional in the purest most whole and healthy way possible. and i know that as i experience His love for me- it allows me to love people the same way. i guess that's my hope for meg and me. that in the experience of the love of God- our love for one another will become more and more whole.

grateful for...

dr. king today.

"Power at its best is love implementing the demands of justice. Justice at its best is love correcting everything that stands against love." ~ Dr. King "Where Do We Go from Here: Chaos or Community?", 1967

+++

the emancipation proclamation
excerpts:

"...And by virtue of the power and for the purpose aforesaid, I do
order and declare that all persons held as slaves within said
designated States and parts of States are, and henceforward shall
be, free; and that the Executive Government of the United States,
including the military and naval authorities thereof, will
recognize and maintain the freedom of said persons.

And I hereby enjoin upon the people so declared to be free to
abstain from all violence, unless in necessary self-defence; and
I recommend to them that, in all case when allowed, they labor
faithfully for reasonable wages...

And upon this act, sincerely believed to be an act of justice,
warranted by the Constitution upon military necessity, I invoke
the considerate judgment of mankind and the gracious favor
of Almighty God."

Amendment XIII
Section 1. Neither slavery nor involuntary servitude, except as a punishment for crime whereof the party shall have been duly convicted, shall exist within the United States, or any place subject to their jurisdiction.

+++
it seems like this issue represents so much of life and its process. we have come so far- closer to freedom, equality and justice. but yet we have so so far to go.

it vexes me.

monday mornings
addicted.... a new fav.

listening to macy gray. wish she would get straight. she always sounds like such a cooky junkie on her interviews. case in point.

incredible night
God gave me a gift tonight. we went to the addictions confrence at church tonight. i expected it to be a yawn- but went willingly hoping that charles could meet some more folks from the kinship we're at... basically- id didn't want to be there at all.

but i met up with my first best friend who was also at the confrence. we did a lot of illegal activity while friends.

she is seven days clean. she's been in over a dozen treatment programs, recently moved into her first apartment after being on the street for three years and has fought a vicious heroin addiction for over five years.

i'm so happy she's alive. so touched that God would make our paths cross. so glad that i went to the confrence i didn't want to goto. so grateful that i'm reminded that i can never allow jesus to be a hobby. i am glad for moments of clarity that allow me to see that my faith life was not simply life and death at the moment of conversion. my life depends on Him.

"Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life." ~ jn.6.68

if someone barfs on me
by me

if someone barfed on me- i would barf right back on them. no questions asked. it would be involuntary. if you're ever going to throw up- please try and tell me ahead of time so i can avoid you. merciful? i know...

i have had domino effect vomitting since i was a young lass. i can't help it.

while in elementary school i used to interview my friend's parents to discover what they did just prior to barfing. so i would know when to run.

this kinda freaked me out

my friend annie

my friend annie is soooooooo funny. she has a quirky personality that is matched with wit and intelligence. she does have some weird taste though... but i still love her.

she actually made this website b/c she is a rabid happy days fan. she tells me that she used to obsessed over potsie- but has apparently seen some significant healing in this area of her life. she does, however, insist that she will name any first born son, "anson".

she has some other wierd traits too:

** she collects all things strawberry shortcake and lists this as her favorite website...
** she spams old boyfriends with cheesy email devotionals that highlight many precious moments...
** she googles people's names from near and far to pass time at work...
** she once was dragged out of a john mccain rally for screaming "GIVE Us A LIVABLE WAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

but i love her deeply and hope this post makes her smile for a bit...

welcome to my blog annie b.

sorted
sometimes i am at a loss as to what to write on this blog. i don't have a ton of content or deep thoughts these days. my days are often pretty mundane and it seems laborious to rehash it to fill up space.

i do have things i am mulling over in my mind. i don't know if this is the forum to lay them out. it's not that they are too private- it's that they are not neatly arranged for presentation. i need clarity of thought to even lay out the things that are flowing through my head.

i am thinking a lot about money lately and it's role in my life. i know it is too important to me- and i often feel ashamed with it even entering the process of my thinking with a potential future with charles. his instability (not b/c he is flighty or irresponsible- but b/c of circumstances and the patriot act) make it difficult to know what i should do. i find myself avoiding talking about it with him or others b/c:

~ i feel ashamed about weighing this heavily.
~ i don't know if there is a solution that i like.
~ i don't want anyone to tell me that the right solution and have it be waiting four years until we can get married.

i will say that i really dislike the route immigration law has taken in our country. don't get me wrong- i really love being an american. i know that's not very cool or in- but it's true. among other things, i am grateful that we have a government that wants to protect it's citizens- even when i disagree with the solutions proposed in legislation and whatnot. i know that the motive to protect our country is not simply altruistic. i know there is political self preservation- but still. i'm grateful.

i just regret that there are elements within our society that either:
have short term memory, forgetting the history of how our country was built,
or
remember how our country was built but are so enslaved to fear they don't care or think it doesn't apply.

basically it is nearly impossible for charles to live here with a visitors visa and be self substaining. charles is begging to work and legislation makes it near rocket science to make that happen. it makes me dizzy with frustration.


coming soon...
+ the state of my spirit.
+ what i would do if a child barfed on me
+ shameless plugs for charles

good day
well- my day is over. it was a busy one. i had a pretty steady flow of work come my way today. i met my mom for dinner, and then judy for coffee. it was a good day.

my mom is sad. i hate to see her sad. i love her so much it hurts sometimes. she is a tough cookie though- and given time to digest this diagnosis- i know she will be ok.

it is difficult to see the inevidibility of her aging (although she hardly looks her age); and the thought of watching her deteriorate is something that makes me dizzy with grieve and dread. the fragility of humanity! ughh.

this is me being dramatic. i mean really- this is a woman who could beat me down easily. she walks like a maniac and pumps iron. she's far from fragile. but the news is hard for her- and thus, is hard for me.

the news made her miss my daddy. i miss him too. i miss him for me. for his advice, his perspective, his humor, his love, and his cheering for me. but i miss him most of all for her. she is lonely without him and doesn't have anyone to share this news with... i mean- matt and meg know and i know- but as she pointed out so poignantly-

'it's different to go through stuff with a teammate who tells you; you're going to be alright'

it's not that statement that is profound- it's the context. and i'm just starting to understand that... i just don't want her to be lonely.

12.5
that's how long i've been sober! 12.5 years today. if God can change me- he can change anyone. that is a long time to not drink. God is very very very gracious.

my mom
she got an email yesterday from her doctor's office that her blood work indicates she has rheumatoid arthritis. isn't that an awful email to send? they got alota nerve.

pray for charles today
charles is going here. pray that they would be able to help him navigate the red tape involved in immigration and that their answers would be helpful and clear.

winding down
many nights, after the day is completed and prior to going to bed; i must wind down. this consists of not talking and sitting on the couch and watching tv for a short period of time. last night, my wind down time was met through the history channel's program UFOs: what you didn't know.

according to this program, the U.S. is one of the few countries that does not have a contingency plan for a situation where extra terrestrials come to earth. the show reviewed the military plan that france has for such an occurance.

think about it.

under construction

i had an ‘altercation’ with a stranger recently. i chased a man down the street in my car in my neighborhood and rolled my window down to shout profanities at him. then, not relieved of my fury and fear, i circled the block to see if i could find him and shout at him some more. he had pounded his fist on my car b/c i almost accidentally hit him (he was jogging, it was dark, rainy and my windshield wiper doesn’t work). my guess is that he was scared, and then my response to him pounding on my car was fear… and then chasing him. it was not a pretty sight.

sometimes i get so disheartened by how far i have to go- how under construction i am! i’m so glad that jesus loves me no matter what and that he loves me enough to not leave me how i am!

the good news is that had this happened prior to getting sober and knowing the Lord, i would have:

intentionally aimed for the jogger.

and

caught him while chasing him.

+++please forgive and change me Lord- I need more grace. +++

things I’m for:
the serious and silly intermingled…
by me

~ i’m for everyone having some sort of soundtrack to their life to make things seem dramatic and interesting.
~ i’m for stevie wonder b/c he’s way under-rated.
~ i’m for downing a pixie stick if feeling sluggish at work.
~ i’m for Christians having their kids in public schools.
~ i’m for opinionated people. I think they’re very interesting.
~ i’m for babies. i was one- at one time. they are cute even when disgusting.
~ i’m for the separation of church and state.
~ i’m for the catholics- Protestantism has given it a bad wrap. I was one of these too- well kind of at least. I was 7yrs. old. can you be 7 and be catholic…
~ i’m for asking questions.
~ i’m for the NEA.
~ i’m for raising the minimum wage.
~ i’m for urban renewal.
~ i’m for the cannel’s planting a church in Clintonville- although I don’t know them.
~ i’m for arranging your day to watch the sunset.
~ i’m for aa.
~ i’m for church being more like aa.
~ i’m for changing my status from independent to democrate so I can vote in the primary to do my part to not have dean get the nomination.
~ i’m for pick up kickball games amongst adults. this would promote remembering not to take ourselves too seriously.
~ i’m for the idea that traveling abroad should be a priority for young people. it could broaden the borders and may
help free people of ethnocentricity.
~ i’m for trying to be more laid back about stuff that doesn’t really matter.
~ i’m for coach tressel.
~ i’m for a movement amongst Christians that move to urban settings to live and raise their families.
~ i’m for a less crowded life.
~ i’m for crying.
~ i ’m for laughing.
~ i’m for everyone living some amount of time as a poor person or amongst poor people.
~ i’m pro expensive lipstick. it’s worth it.
~ i’m for installing massage into company benefit packages.
~ i’m pro kissing.
~ i’m for affirmative action.
~ i’m for the jewish tradition of matchmaking. I think that was a good idea.
~ i’m for GenXers who don’t whine about how everyone else has it wrong and we have it right.
~ i’m for trying not to cuss so much.
~ i’m for the socialist party- their people always have interesting things to say.
~ i’m for using public transport- although I seldom use it.

i'm bored

but don't have much to say...

so here's something:

1. How many houses/apartments have you lived in throughout your life?

(10)

grew up in grandview
parents moved to hilliard
lived in the dorms at OSU
lived in ocean city n.j. for a summer.
lived in albania for 1.5 yrs.
lived on w. 7th while finishing OSU.
lived in gramercy park for 2 yrs.
lived on w. 1st avenue for a year.
lived on n. high st. for two.
back in the grandview area

2. Which was your favorite and why?

nyc... why? b/c i lived with great people, in a great place, and i loved my job at the time.

3. Do you find moving house more exciting or stressful? Why?

stressful. b/c packing is tough. organizing is improtant to me- and i don't think of myself as a packrat- but when packing i find out just how behind i am in streamlining my life and keeping organize. then, i try to make up for it, get behind in my packing and end up staying up to all hours of the night for a week. (this is all fresh in my mind from my recent move).

it's also tough to ask people's help for such a crappy task.

4. What's more important, location or price?

ideally- location is more important. at this point in life- price is how i make decisions.

5. What features does your dream house have (pool, spa bath, big yard, etc.)?

a good front porch and hopefully a back porch- condsive to reading, talking to neighboors, hiding keys, drinking lemonade and the like.


++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

1. What vehicle do you drive?

a 1993 vw fox.

2. How long have you had it?

1.5 yrs.

3. What is the coolest feature on your vehicle?

the speedometer makes this crazy loud noise in the winter. worse than a buzzer but better than someone sticking something sharp in my ear.

it also has a full size spare.

4. What is the most annoying thing about your vehicle?

the drivers side seat lever doesn't work to collapse the seat. if toting more than one- passenger must enter through drivers side (it's a two door).

oh... and recently the passenger side windshield wiper stopped working.

5. If money were no object, what vehicle would you be driving right now?

a low mileage vintage volvo (early 70's)

spiritual experience

watching this dvd of U2 live from slane castle was a spiritual experience for me. i love this band, who they are, what they stand for, and their artistry.

my year in review:
the cliff notes

January: wrapped up grad school appliation process.
February: went to interviews for grad school and realized that my heart had hibernated from aspirations for awhile. the fog of my depression began to lift and I was encouraged.
March: found out i didn’t get into grad school and was heartbroken.
April: met a man named Charles
May: began my third decade of life and lived to tell about it.
June: started my current long term temp assignment.
July: i kinda forget what happened this month.
August: realized that i was falling in love w/ the man i met..
September: i went to DC for the first time and met all the old women at Charles’ church with big hats who loved him and told me so...
October: moved to new apartment.
November: charles and i had our first major intense period of time… and i still love him.
December: too close to this month to sum it up in a line.

more booby trap adventures...

i was reminded of more booby trap stories (not only b/c the season evokes my memories of trying to prove/ disprove the existence of santa) by a story i read in sunday's dispatch (which i can't seem to hyper link).

tarpy's woods is where bluff avenue (the street i grew up on) and cambridge (south of first community) deadends into a cauldasack (sp?). there is a beautiful old home there that used to belong to the tarpy family (who owned a small supermarket close to jones middleschool).

the woods provided hours of entertainment for me and my friends when we were in grade school. i was a tom-boy through and through and we used to take our souped up dirt bikes (ok it was more like a hami-down banana seat bike that my dad help me to convert) and have our version of crash up derby and bmx freestyle tournaments.

the woods and trails were close to the railroad tracks. the location, for some reason, convinced us that ho-bos were invading our bike paths. convinced that our trails and our well-being were endangered- we made all these booby traps in the woods.

trip wire? yes- we had those (they weren't limited to santa). we also did that bugs bunny trick to catch a tiger or lion (dig whole, cover with leaves and branches- hoping that they would fall into the hole)- unable to get out.

we never did catch any ho-bos. but the whole saga sparked my interest in ho-bos and i made myself a stick and a little bundle wrapped in a bandana to put on my shoulder. it was fun.


books i'd like to read this coming year (in no particular order):

motherless brooklyn
wounded healer (got this for christmas)
bonfire of the vanities
sidewalks in the kingdom: new urbanism and the christian faith (also a gift)
god, freedom and evil
suburban nation: the rise of sprawl and the decline of the american dream
the illumined heart: the ancient christian path of transformation
before the mayflower (a book i've had for over five years and yet to read).
the cornell west reader
bo bos in paradise (given this as a gift- but still have not read)
us and them
banishing god in albania: the prison memoirs of giacomo gardin, s.j.

reasons why i want to be part of a church plant

i want to live and raise my family in an urban context.
i think the best way to do this is to be part of a network of churches that contextualize the Gospel into the language of their neighborhood. These churches can help one another do things in their communities w/o a sense of competition but instead a sincere desire to see their (the individual church's gifts and 'specialties' be of service and advancement of the Kingdom). John Perkins is a spiritual hero of mine and i love his writings on living out the Gospel in different neighborhoods has intrigued me for nearly ten years. he has influenced much of my thinking about church planting. in addition, while living in manhattan- i really appreciated tim keller at redeemer presbyterian and saw first hand how powerful it can be to have a church who is for the city rather than against it.

i think the emphasis on church should be flip flopped from the focal point being a small group where the Gospel is lived out daily and non-believers can be invited and loved and Sunday service less of an emphasis.

i guess i should also say that I want to be part of a church plant b/c i think i have the disposition for it (I like to think that i'm resilient, i generally can't get enough of people, i like having spiritual conversation with those of different beliefs etc.) i also think that God has given me gifts that are useful in church planting. (like of faith and evangelism)

the bottom line?
as much as I try to avoid the term that I "feel called"; to it (b/c it seems to hype it up and pump situations w/ spiritual steroids); I do; what does that mean? my understanding of this is that; based on my personality, gifts, convictions that have been formed in me and previous experiences; from the best I can tell- this is something that God would like me to try.

what if?

this struck me as funny. i wonder if one of al qaida's main objectives is to make our country look silly.

in other news...

one of my best friend's son is scheduled for an MRI this AM. tristan is five months old. if you read this and you pray; join me in asking that God would keep this little guy calm as well as his parents...

+++ God, please be with kyla, michael and tristan today walk through this stressful time. allow this diagnostic tool to give clarity and hope to tristan's condition. empower this situation to your glory; empower this family and those around them to know your love and healing...+++

the procedure is at 12:30 central. they must sedate him for the procedure and afterwards tristan gets to eat.

cliff notes to my christmas

well, where shall i start? it was a really enjoyable christmas. as mentioned it was an in-law christmas for my siblings- so we celebrated as a family christmas eve- eve. we have italian christmas' which is funny- b/c we are notoriously into our irish heritage.

we did have our share of family tension- but i was just grateful none of it really involved me. i was a spectator.

my amazon gifts arrived on time- which i was happy about. my mom and sister seemed to especially like their gifts.

charles gave me a beautiful nigerian gown and i love it. i also go this book.

i got other cool stuff too.

christmas eve, we (my mom and charles and i) went to bethlehem on broad street. that was fun; although we didn't get to interact with any of the beneficiaries. this nice man flirted with my mom and it was weird. we ate a nice dinner of left overs and went to the late christmas eve service at church. we should of gone earlier- we were all exhausted.

christmas morning we slept late; opened some more gifts and eventually had a late lunch with a friend of our family who was away from her own. charles and i went to see the return of the king.

the remainder of the weekend was spent hanging out, resting, dinner with friends, and accomplishing lots of important details and errands. all in all uneventful but good.

semi-entertaining finds while bored at work:

pong
a place i used to volunteer (while living in nyc)

holiday

five days off
well- i officially don't have to goto work for five whole days.

best yet- i have two sweet little boys downstairs sleeping under the tree. and to imagine- my holiday has just begun!

yipppppppppppppeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

bobby traps

i found out there was no santa claus b/c my dad finally stopped humoring me. for a number of years, i set up booby traps around the fireplace and tree (trip wires). he would cut the trip wires. each christmas morning; i would run downstairs and to my delight; find the trip wires broken. this would build the case that there was, infact, a santa claus. he stopped doing it one year- and i that's how i found out there was no santa claus.

evening

this evening i spent with my family eating dinner, watching my nephews wrestle and listening to more of maggie's songs.

afterwards, charles and i got to spend some time alone and see christmas lights. this man chases any cynicism out of me and helps me see the world through different eyes. we also went to walmart where i got nora her gift- a winnie the poo bank of honey. nora's mom will like it more than she will- but oh well- what do you get a four month old with three older kids that produce hamidowns?

i am very sleepy.

good night moon.

afternoon

well- i'm not sure what to do... my amazon order is delayed and i'm unsure if i'm going to have my gifts for aidan, maggie, laurel and nora. the good news is- the one most into gifts and cognizant of who is giving him what is aidan. this is good news b/c i have promised to build a fire, make a tent, eat ice cream and have a good ole' fashion sleep over and i suppose that could pass as my gift. but i got him this sweet book making kit that i think he will love. so i'm a bit bummed.

nora, maggie, matt and andrea came for lunch today at the office. maggie, who just turned two sang at the top of her lungs for the majority of the time. she sings songs including, 'i love for the father', 'take me out to the ball game', 'twinkle twinkle little star' and a variety of others. today's selection what 'i love the father'. she was in that great haze state where you've fallen alseep in the car and wake up super happy and smiley. she is wonderfully spunky.

my brother in law is teaching charles about all this stuff around the house. should be an interesting/ exciting debrief w/ charles this evening.

a.m.

my morning started with a very enjoyable (but early) coffee date with my friend carrie. it is no understatement to say that i owe carrie my life! she is a wonderful friend and has shown me that the christian life is a journey of transformation- rather than a task to travel point to point. she is a giant in my mind- not b/c she has the point to point resume of one- but simply b/c she loved me when i couldn't love myself and felt that no else could either. i don't know if my language makes sense of if i need to translate it. she has helped me appreciate the process and encouraged me to stay soft to it.

Rom.13.8 (nlt): Pay all your debts, except the debt of love for others. You can never finish paying that! If you love your neighbor, you will fulfill all the requirements of God's law.

weekend

i had a great weekend. charles is here to stay. what else do i need to say?

the kids are all a blast and individually hilarious- put them together and well- i wet myself.

anticipate blogging more this week b/c i have to work and there's absolutely nothing to do and no one to ask if they'd like my expertise with copiers and coffee. i hope to accomplish lots of odds and ends.

can i just say?

when a man loves a woman is a very very good movie?

ok- alert! content blog below...

If these are my motivations; I should postpone being part of a church plant…
By me

Discontentedness** with my current church. This is not a good reason for me. It does not mean that it’s not a good reason for you- so don’t take it personally.

Unfortunately I am stricken with a condition called, ‘the grass is greener on the other side’ syndrome. The unfortunate part is that it (the lie that I believe) seldom is better.

I am don’t seem to be able to combat this syndrome. I don’t think my goal in life or church should be to like everything that I’m apart of 100%. I think that in my idealism I want to agree 100% w/ the methodology, the flavor, the doctrine, the people and everything. That’s just not realistic. When I realize this, and I choose to be filled with the Holy Spirit; God produces and blesses me maturing into a real grown up and not a brat. Otherwise, I become highly unpleasant and grind my teeth a lot.

This attitude unchecked can also lead me into not so pretty elitism and arrogance (we know how to do real church; they don’t).

** Lots of good things (the reformation for one) came from a discontentedness (I don’t mean to be historically insensitive to the impetus of the reformation- but hopefully you get what I’m saying).

As for your question mentioned in comments per 12/17 DF about if church planting is valid- I guess I haven’t thought about it from that angle in a very long time…

So- my simple overview just includes two points of what I’m sure could be many many more… I won’t go into anything based on the bible- b/c

a) the stuff I know off the top of my head is probably the same stuff you know off the top of your head; and
b) I don’t know that I feel the need to really superduper defend church planting as valid b/c the proof is in what we see as a result of it (church planting).

So pragmatically:

1. If my job as a follower of Jesus is to show Him to others around me in a wholistic and integrated way; then it makes sense to create a forum where you can express and walk out your faith with others (seekers and sojourners) in your very own neighborhood. Then your faith can rub off on others in their own language. Short answer: contextualization.

2. B/c not everyone likes the same thing. Variety is good. At least I think it is. I’m not positive about this being a steadfast polemic for church planting- but for fickle Americans- it seems to be necessary.

hannakah

my evening

i went to my first ever hannakah candle lighting. it was great. i learned some different songs and some hebrew too. i had the best latkas since velselka (favorite haunt during my time there- people watching heaven).

i also played monopoly and got killed! now i remember why i dislike board games.

it was a blast and i appreciated the invite! thanks cydney!

friday five

1. List your five favorite beverages.**

~ diet coke
~ coffee
~ tea w/ my mommy
~ water
~ egg nog

** these are beverages i can drink and the SWAT team not come.

2. List your five favorite websites.**

~ new find courtesy of dan fox
~ new york times
~ global trekker
~ irish jesuits
~ columbus public library's site

ok... this question is very difficult to answer b/c i have a fluxuation of sites i frequent. but these are my answers today.

** aside from my link list...

3. List your five favorite snack foods.

~ nuts
~ garlic pita chips
~ those popsicles that come in plastic wrappers that are long and skinny
~ baby carrots and hummus
~ ice cream: currently pepermint stick

4. List your five favorite board and/or card games.

~ umm
~ i
~ don't
~ like
~ games...

it's a little known fact about me.

i can tolerate euchre, i like chess, and if in the mood- could play risk.

5. List your five favorite computer and/or game system games.

the only one that comes to mind
~ james bond
~ i like the games on zefranks site
~ i like playing lego games w/ my nephew aidan.
~ i really
~ don't have anymore

doogie

doogie howser's medium...

hi chelsea- this is my blog. it is unfocused and scattered. i don't really know its purpose. maybe i can stop by tomorrow?

it's christmas time in the city

well today was a nice day.

at work we had our holiday potluck- which was a lot of fun. i also got gifts from the girls that hate me and talk behind my back at work. it's kinda baffling... but i'm never one to refuse the new harry conick christmas album (!!!!!!). so not only was i surprised that i got a gift; but i was pleasantly surprised that it was such a nice gift. not sure if i should get them something or not... outside my family i only got my closest friends gifts. thinking thinking... maybe a regift?

anyways... the one that has the lump in her breast asked me to pray again for her. the lump has shrunk but has not gone away. i'm supposed to pray for her tomorrow.

tonight, i got together w/ a girl that lost her dad in late august. she is in that haze between the world that included her dad and the reality of the world without him. she sounds like she is processing stuff with the Lord and it was nice to be aware of how little i have to say about shitty situations like ours. i just listened.

i also hooked up w/ posse abei. always a delight. i love them.

still chewing on the feelings of prejudice towards charles...

in two days- my life will be over run by the nashvillesullys. i welcome this!
in three days- charles will be here. i can't wait!

more soon.

coming soon...

why i think a church plant is a good idea for me

nipped in bud

frustration was headed off at the pass by a phone call i just recieved.

sometimes i wonder if people i love suffer from a low-grade suspicion that is tied to the color of charles' skin. i end up taking it terribly personally when in reality- i can't read people's minds, intentions or true heart. it is not my job.

but as i said- a phone call just solved the problem i was facing.

maybe i am too paranoid. that could very well be the case.

updates and whatnot

well i had a pretty uneventful day.

i went shopping for my sister-in-laws christmas gift. they got to see harry conick in concert a couple of weeks ago- but didn't pick up the cd. so i got that for her.

saturday i knocked out quiet a bit of shopping. i went to the ccad student art show. i got some stuff i'm pretty excited to give!

well- as of today charles is due to arrive back in the states friday (!!!!!) i am- needless to say- estatic. i am trying to collect some input on how i can be the best me in this relationship this week from frineds and family. i continue to remain prayerful, expectant and grateful that the Lord wants a healthy dynamic between us more than either of us do- or even us combined.

this evening, while out, i ran into a long lost friend- jeff. he was actually my first gay friend. it happened during the summer of 1992. we both worked for this lady in program. i (and that owner) were the only straight people on the cleaning crew- and we were also the women.

i had become a christian and gotten sober all with the last year and i had my supply of baggage and bigatory. but i knew that it didn't sync with Jesus and i had to figure out how to cut it loose. the way the Lord did this for me was to become friends with Jeff. i realized that we were more alike than we were different. at that point of my life i was acutely aware that what i needed most was to be loved- and to expereince God's love; and Jeff needed the same thing. these realizations quickly broke me of my prejudice.

it was an expereince that i'll bever forget! seeing Jeff tonight reminded me of the journey that the Lord began in me and is committed to continue. it reminded me of the basics and the freshness of that place where the simplicity of this walk and journey serve to focus and sustain.

s.a.t. word

op·u·lent ( P ) Pronunciation Key (py-lnt)
adj.
Possessing or exhibiting great wealth; affluent.
Characterized by rich abundance; luxuriant.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Latin opulentus. See op- in Indo-European Roots.]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
opu·lent·ly adv.

vocabulary

opulant.

has anyone noticed this is the media's new SAT word of the day?

everything is opulant when it comes to saddam.

i don't think this works

"we got him!"

wow!!!!!!!!!

tonight

i spent some good time alone w/ isaiah 30.16.

i also wrote quiet a bit and continue to sort our my manifesto. my relationship w/ God; myself; my husband; my children; my family; (these things to be(God willing))and society. productive but slow.

went over to chill w/ chris and chels. love them. lay down in traffic for them.

i also went to a meeting where i saw crazy rollie. good guy. but he be a crazy mofo.

im-ed w/ dan fox. nice fellow. hello if you're there.

adios!

bug

there is a huge effin spider lurking under my desk. it looks like one of those fake spiders you buy at yankee trader at holloween.

friday five**

1. Do you enjoy the cold weather and snow for the holidays?

YES! i would love to have a white christmas! but if it is not going to snow- i prefer being on the beach. how' that for black and white thinking. i would especially like to avoid rain for the holidays. the only time rain is enjoyable is when i want (and am able) to take a nap; or if i'm able to watch a storm.

2. What is your ideal holiday celebration? How, where, with whom would you celebrate to make things perfect?

this year- these are the things that i 'wish' for...

charles would be here. have my whole family together (w/ my dad as well). my dad would get to meet charles. no one would fight. go down to faith mission. remember how blessed i am- be overcome w/ gratitude; have a big party where all my friends come over and meet all my nieces and nephews. have a fire, drink egg nog, have it snow at least 6 inches, laugh a lot. and have enough $ to get people gifts that i know they would really enjoy- and not be financially strained to do it.

realistically; this year it would be great if; charles could be here. his sister and chuks could come for christmas so that they didn't have to be alone for the holiday; we could all goto faith mission together; it would snow 6 inches; no one gets sick from the little kids who always seem to be sick and are chronic carriers; we have a fire, drink egg nog, it snows a good bit, the fighting subsides b/c we realize how ridiculous we are around one another.

3. Do you do have any holiday traditions?

serving christmas eve dinner at faith mission or doing bethlahem on broad st.

4. Do you do anything to help the needy?

see #3

5. What one gift would you like for yourself?

i don't really get this... is this what i'm 'asking' for? or what i would buy for myself?

well here's my wish list.

** questions taken from... http://fridayfive.org/

-3

dear reader,

if chelsea sent you through cyberblog world to find this- please turn back now. you should know that i absolutley adore her. but i must admit; my love and deep affection for her is currently competing w/ the enjoyment of watching her try to find this blog. it is low grade harmless tourture

mahhhhhhaaahaaaahaaaaa
**ring hands**
** mynical smile**

anyways...

my room is super duper cold.

i should be in bed reading- but now i have a nifty roadrunner connection in my bedroom. so i'm up doing this instead. no offense to you; but reading is better and probably warmer.

i got two new books today at acorn. one is on josephus. i know his writings have influenced lots of biblical scholarship- so i thought it would be a nifty addition.

the other book was for bookclub. i'm intimadated by jane austen. i know- i know- it's all in my head... but it really may not be. i read the first chapter (three pages in length) twice and i still have only a foggy idea of what is happening.

should be interesting...

tomorrow i'm taking my sabatical, going to a meeting a praying for my friend who is in the dumps.

word.

responsible capitalism

yesterday's story on alex chadwick's day to day ("the marketplace report: activist shareholders") reminded me that responsible capitalism is possible and starts with individuals.

sick

i've been battling a cold for the better part of a week. now i'm on an antibiotic and i feel better just knowing that i have been through the worst of it and things will look up soon.

can i just say that the world of temporary work is disheartening? it is full of catch 22 situations with no real good solution. i have no paid time off- so that means i can either take time off and not have money or risk burn out (i've been temping for a year) doing a job that is mindless job that is somewhat degrading. it is also unnerving. i have had three long term assignments over the last year. i've held out hope at each of these assignments thinking that i was on the path to be hired. now- mind you; i didn't really like these jobs; but w/ the economy in the crapper- it felt like the only option. so this expectation- to be hired; to put in my time, doing menial tasks, not complaining (honest i haven't), smiling, and kissing up- has stunted an job search for a path that i might actually like. it really bums me out.

not to mention (and if you're wondering how i got on this rant) the lack of health insurance. so when i feel sick, i postpone a visit to the doctor, b/c it's not covered, i get more sick, i miss work- which means i don't get paid- and have to goto the doctor anyways. urrrrrrrrrghhhhhh. and my employer may likely complain that i missed work.

that last part really burns me. here i come to work and do what is asked of me, i'm low maintanance, and am treated like a normal employee- which it is very clear to me that i am not. normal employees have benefits. normal employees have paid time off.

but then i try and remember all the great people that i've met, and all the things that God has taught me, and how i have thankfully (and many times supernaturally) had enough $ to pay my bills.

currently, i am learning what it means to love my enemies. frankly, i don't like what i'm learning at all. but i guess it's what God has for me and what i need. i got to pray for someone who is in this category ("enemy") who found a lump in her breast. i don't know that it made a lot of difference (she still has the lump, is still stressed about it, she still thinks i'm crazy and dislikes me and our relationship is no better). but i'm not sure if the 'difference' was supposed meet those criteria. maybe something in me is changing.

i sure hope i'm changing. sometimes i just want to keel over b/c of how far i have to go- sometimes i feel downright wicked. this is good for me. for the better part of my life- i thought i was supposed to be this unfeeling, no negative emotion deity. that the universe revolved around me and the object of life was not to get hurt or feel anything- especially anything negative. it's one of the main reasons i drank. i had no clue how to deal with emotions. i have felt helpless lately to my feelings of cynicism, jealousy, worry, control, and have felt grateful for the reminder that these things are a sign that i am alive and not dead. and now, even though i've been sober for over 12 yrs.; i still feel overwhelmed by feelings. but now, i can do something about it (who can deliver me from this body of death? rom. 7:something). i can repent, and surrender and look for ways to change my thinking.

apparently i had a lot to say today. i had no idea. i knew i wanted to get something down and just started pecking away at the keyboard. who knew?

well...

i didn't get an update down on my the remainder of my week- but no worries. it was uneventful and short.

today, i am feeling under the weather. but i'm here at work toughing it out! hurray for me!!!!!!

tonight is our bookclub- which i'm looking forward to- although- i wonder if my affections will be divided and tempted to sleep instead. either way- i'm in; as i'm the host.

we got the tree up last night. most of the house is decorated. the tree stand leaks- so rather than risk breaking the ornaments- we strung the lights and garland and will leave the rest for after we get our new tree stand.

the highlight of my week was talking briefly w/ charles yesterday. even though it was short and low on content (our connection was terrible); it was such a comfort to hear his voice.

i am feeling like a need a vacation from myself lately. i discouraged by how 'under construction' i am...

update

sooooo... my week has been a bit of a blur. i'll start with the holiday.

i successfully drove the fox (my beloved car) to nashvill wednesday after work. i actually made it there in just over 6 hours. i was exhausted by the time i arrived but was able to stay up and watch a taped episode of survivor with my brother and andrea. i should say that i was appalled by that joker who lied about his grandmother's passing. that is unbelievable! and it seemed to serve no purpose to his end goal of winning- i don't follow the show so i was surprised to be so pissed about this door knob of a contestant.

nora was awake when i arrived and let me tell you- that kid is cute! she had just finished nursing when i arrived so she was ll done being all nestled and her ear was folded in on itself. all i could do was think to myself, 'oh my gosh- they haven't told me that nora has a birth defect!'

i was happy to find that my little niece simply has a stupid human trick- which is that her floppy ear is foldable.

i slept in the boys room and so awoke when they did. they are such a blast. i really adore that whole family. it is neat to see them each grow up and develop their individual disposition and personality. it is also really inspiring to see my brother and sister-in-law parent through some tough spots. they are reaping the benefits as their kids become caring, thoughtful, ornery, and adventuresome.

i picked charles up from the airport thanksgiving day and we spent the day doing what most americans did- time with the family, lots of food prep, talking about the things we're thankful for... it was really a great day. it was especially great b/c charles was there.

he really took to the kids. and i think they took to him. his accent intrigued the boys in particular and the girls- well- obviously they were putty in his hands. maggie and him bonded friday at the COSI equivalent. if nora was awake and not nursing- more than likely- she was with charles.

i really love him. he is so wonderful to be with and all of his characteristics- i want them to rub off on me. i am glad for the chance to be in the same city soon. i know if will be the confirmation i need- but honestly... i can't imagine ever getting my fill of this fine man. the Lord really broke the mold when it came to charles.

friday, we went to the COSI equivalent, the park, starbucks and to meet charles' buddy chuks. that was great. it was great to meet someone from charles life- someone with whom he has history- to know that this isn't a veneer- that he really is that great and geniune... chuks made us nigerian food which we made arrangements to partake the next day. chuks came over for dinner that night and we had great conversation with matt and andrea.

prior to our time with chuks; we sat down and talked about our future. that was deeply comforting and i really feel at peace with how God is leading and the pace we are pursuing. there are so many unknowns- and i trust that God will show his glory through the obstacles we face.

i am tired of writting- although there is more to tell. i will stop now and perhaps come back later tonight. if not; definately tomorrow.

we are decking the halls with boughs tomorrow here at 1337...

adios loyal readership...

bad mood

i promise to collect myself and put together a post this weekend. pms ruins me.

one hour later...

the office is quiet today. many have begun their holiday. no complaints here! if i have to goto work rather than get on the road- i just assume it be a day and pace like this one.

i am emotionally exhausted. this process with charles is very difficult. it is tiring to know how to really obey God and be full of faith. i want to be sensitive to the Spirit. i want to want what God wants more than what i want- but i don't know if i really do.

after work today, i will drive to nashville. it should be about an eight hour trip (max). i am excited to see all of my munchkins. i am also excited to see what charles thinks of them, how they interact together and what my nephews will say when they find out that Charles is from Lagos (pronounced Legos). they really might freak.

i will also be meeting my new niece- nora catherine... ELATED!!!!!!!!!!!

i will also be able to meet charles' best friend chooks. i'm excited to meet him. especially b/c his name is awesome.

i'll come back early next week and may stop in to see my friend shelby in cincinnatti. she just moved back from LA and i'm sympathetic to the adjustment it can be to move to your lame town from some sweet city like LA.

i want to make more space in my life for God to show me what the heck is going on. i really have no idea.

one of those weeks

and it's only wednesday...

this has been one of those weeks (or technically- half week); where i've aged ten years.

circumstances seem to have closed in right around me and very suddenly. i find that i'm sad, overwhelmed and thoroughly confused. will pause to collect thoughts and post again later today.

monday

well another monday is here. it is awful outside after a weekend that seemed like spring. winter was bound to happen... i might as well get adjusted.

my weekend was pretty good. friday night i was alone (which was nice). i went for some coffee and quiet after work, then to half priced books, then to a meeting. afterwards, i went home and watched matrix reloaded to prepare for my imminent viewing of matrix revolutions saturday. i slept in, read, and watched the osu game at my sisters. while there, i posted some handmade jewelry on ebay for charlie brown.

as planned, i saw matrix revolutions saturday which was good. it wasn't as good as i wanted or thought it should be- but alas- sequels are never as good as their predecessor.

sunday, i watched meet the press, read, went over to see my neighbor's new house, napped talked on the phone, and eventually got some stuff done in my room. but nearly as much as i had planned.

i will write something more exciting later- but right now- that's all i got. i must say- work is bearable in light of the two short weeks that lie ahead. very grateful for the break.

passing the time**

1. List five things you'd like to accomplish by the end of the year.

a. finish settling into my apartment and have my room the way i like it.
b. get back into a devotional routine.
c. read through the Gospels.
d. get into a habit of blogging
e. start writting a study on job.

2. List five people you've lost contact with that you'd like to hear from again.

a. lori azzara: friend from college whom i really loved.
b. jenny salvati: ibid.
c. kristin bohley: best friend from highschool. long story.
d. vilima zjnali: my closets albanian friend that i adore who is in detroit. we haven't talked for over a year.
e. tricia janusz: a friend from highschool. we live in the same city and i wish we were friends again. we've both changed a tons since highschool and i think it would be fun to restart our friendship.

3. List five things you'd like to learn how to do.

a. how to speak spanish
b. how to live on less.
c. how to cook well but keep it low maintanance.
d. how to like excercise.
e. manage money really well.

4. List five things you'd do if you won the lottery (no limit).

a. become a philathropist for some sweet idea that i (or someone i know) thinks up that would empower the forgotten and help get them out of the cycle of poverty. or maybe help my friend ginette start her school.
b. fund a five year launch plan for a church plant in new york city (that i would want to be a part of).
c. buy an apartment in red hook.
d. be debt free and goto nursing school/ or grad school for education fulltime.
e. supplement my mom's income so she could retire.

5. List five things you do that help you relax.

a. trust the Lord when i worried about stuff rather than emotionally toss and turn about it and try to figure it all out.
b. take a bath.
c. get a massage.
d. talk about what's got me stressed out.
e. write it down so it's two dimensional instead of three.


**taken from: http://fridayfive.org/

the end of a stressful week

hello. it's friday again, the office is quiet and i have a moment to blog. we did actually get roadrunner at the apartment- so i should be able to make this more of a habit.

i have had a crazy week. things with charles have been really intense and really good at the same time and i'm grateful for the process. he is making a long trip home in early december and will hopefully return by christmas. hopefully by his birthday. i can't wait to give him his gift!!! i got him a CD of the speeches of Dr. King. Dr. King is his hero. i will miss him terribly and i'm unsure what the future holds. i do feel like i've been really prompted to give our relationship back in a real intentional way to the Lord and not bother about 'making' things happen.

my car is $900 better than it was monday of this week. you'd think i'd have a pimped up fox but i only have new rear breaks and a new front axle instead. atleast i can drive to nashville with confidence over the holiday.

i'm hoping to goto a meeting tonight at st. marks or cliffhangers. i love my meetings. they really serve to ground me in reality and what is really important- to take responsibility for my own choices, to live a life of service, and to remember that nothing is impossible with God, and most of all to love others. my friends never coddle me (not that my church friends do). i don't know what the difference is between these two setttings and how it works itself out so differently.

maybe it's that church folks don't think of their faith as being life or death. christians approach faith like life and death when it comes to evangelism- but not when it comes to their own fragility. that's what is so impressive to me about aa. it is not evangelistic. people are painfully aware of what they are capable of and there are steps to deal with your pretention and falsehood.

all i know is that i really wish church was more like program and not the other way around. i get sad when i really think about it. the bylaws of the program (the 12 traditions)- the 12th is that the program is based on 'attraction rather than promotion'. the focus is that our faith life is a life and death matter- it's not some hobby- it is a life where jn 15 is true... i can't do jack on my own.

by the way- i'm not bashing evangelism.

slackity slack slack

really- i'm not this delinquent in any other area of life.

did that fool you?

ok... so i am a bit delinquent in most areas of my life.

i will get better. i don't have internet access at home.

another friday is here and i am relieved. i will hope to accomplish a lot this weekend w/o being taxed or overtired. my number one goal is to get rest.

update

i've had a pretty good week. nothing too high- nothing too low. i am having a monstrously difficult time waking up in the morning. which is a bummer and makes me fell like a slug. i don't have a ton to say- or update you on- but thought i'd write to work towards it becoming a habit.

one thing that i am mulling over is the resentment that i am allowing to fester towards some people/ situations in my life. i approach these like precious jewels or hobbies to spend my time on when bored. i nurture them like little puppy dogs. resentments are not to be messed with... i need to be careful.

FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hello to all my faithful readers. i have had a pretty good week. i'm looking forward to my weekend as well. my week, was not without its low points. my last post- i mentioned my moral faliure. i'm still recooping from its effects. not on my conscience- i do feel forgiven, and i feel completely cured from it happening again; but i'm still feeling the consequences of my choices. this is a good thing and a sign that i have a heart of flesh i suppose. it reminds and inspires me to attempt to live my life with the intention that my actions will need no apology or propt me to regret.

charlie brown's visit was wonderful we had our moments of regret with word and deed as well- but we are growing closer and closer. i love him. he is a wonderufl man. in fact the one i respect the most. he just takes my breath away.

we had our book club monday evening. it was enjoyable. i just started nickle and dimed which is an account of a journalist who has written in the past for harpers (i love harpers), who goes 'undercover' into the low wage earners world. i'm going to see her speak this coming monday at hillel.

i'm also reading a book on marriage and the roles that women and men play in this relationship. it is called each for the other. i like it so far. i just started the politics of jesus as well and am most excited about this read.

i'm including my favorite NYT editorialist newest submission here.

more soon. should be hooked up at the new pad soon.

kickin it

my ass that is...


i did something wrong (morally) yesterday and i'm still recovering. i have the blahs.

tminus 12 hrs till charlie brown arrives. if i've not mentioned this- being in love is way better than i thought.

here i am

well the afternoon lull has hit me. soon i will go and orginize my 900 file project, but for now, i am passing the time at my desk somewhat bored.

i am siked about FINALLY figuring out how to post a link. now i will go link happy!

last night, i walked to meet my mom for dinner, ran errands with her for a bit, and then worked on my apartment. this evening, i'm planning on hitting an early meeting chatting on the phone with two long lost girl friends (one who is a new mom), and conquering my current mountain in life- my bedroom. i'm hoping to arranged my clothes (which are currently 'arranged' in large piles, and set up my computer. we will see!

i'm a bit pissed about something. i see they came out w/ the palm 21. w/ 8mb of memory... BASTARDS!!! now i can end the feelings of pride i had surrounding my first ebay purchase of my zire. btw- i can't find a bible that will fit! what a bummer!

ok- i'm over being pissed.

link

best news.

another friday

well here i am. again. a busy week of settling into my new apartment. it's in a nice neighborhood. i'm fairly exhausted and not even half way settled. my roommate will move in this weekend. that will add chaos and push me further from settledness. i swore that my next roommate would be my husband- but alas- practical measures prevail. this apartment is trading up in every way with the exception of the roommate aquisistion. my roommmates a good kid- and i'm sure that it will work fine. but it is difficult to part with the freedom of singleness. this will probably be better for me anyways.

tonight, i will unpack some more and perhaps make my way down to our local Oktoberfest. i may make it to a meeting tonight- but definately tomorrow. sunday i will work half day settling in with the roomie and then we're hosting a block party- which shuld be fun. i am hoping to get some rest- and also unroll the details for our camping trip next weekend. who knows if that will really happen.

vanity?

so i have not reformed my delinquent blogger ways... but hey- i'm doing the best i can.

the thing that's on my mind is this... is it vain that i want to be anonymous for fear of stalkage? i think in this day in age you have to consider the stalking factor. not b/c i'm stalking material but b/c people be crazy and you never know what they do! so i hope it doesn't seem too presumptuous.

monday again

hello all. i actually posted on friday... honest. i must of done something wrong.


anyways. back at work after a good but busy weekend. i am moving in less than a week and i'm completely delinquent in packing my apartment. this move is a risk for me. but staying where i'm at is also a risk. i live in a dangerous building and have decided that the risk in moving (the risk is that i will aquire a roommate) is less than the risk of staying. we will see! since living alone for two years, i swore that i would only downgrad to a roommate if i married one. which would be an upgrade really. but alas, cooler heads (and smaller budget) have prevailed. maybe this will break me into the idea of living w/ charlie brown. he would be a great roommate though...

more a little later.

bored

well here i am. i sit at my desk waiting for my new purchase (a palm zire) to charge. then i can play with it! i'm excited; although i was disappointed with my first ebay experience. more soon.

monday

hello again.

after a fairly restful weekend- i am back in the groove of work and life. my weekend highlight was the festival to open a new section of highway. the link is in friday's post. i was surprised how impressed i was by the event. it was a welcomed change from the circuit of ok festivals they have here in columbus.

i also visited a small church plant in delaware county. i really enjoyed the atmosphere. it was a nice change of pace from my mega church ways. in addition, i watched the game, gabbed w/ friends, read the paper, gabbed w/ friends and drank coffee. the weather has been faboo here and i am loving it.

tonight, i am cooking out and perhaps going to the post office group for a reknowned lead that sounds spiritually aligned. we will see!

i love weekends!

http://shortnorth.org/via_colori/index.html

not to tire you of my hyperlink obsession...
but i tried it again. so sue me!

i'm anxiously awaiting the start to my weekend which will involve a nice leisurely evening of 'taking care of myself'. this will involve meeting my mom for dinner (and not broaching the subject of my future- b/c she stresses me out when we talk about it); going to a meeting, and to bed early.

the remainder of my weekend will involve sleep, meet the press, church, going to this festival listed above, coffee, friends, reading, and more friends. i am looking forward to it. i recently won my first ebay auction (no longer an ebay virgin), and will be looking in the mail every five minutes for my new palm zire. this is my first plam pilot and i'm estatic to program in all my crap and information. i anticipate becoming type a soon...

i am also visiting some important and influential people in my life w/ whom i have lost touch. they live here in columbus and were very critical to me getting my life in order from the mayhem i had created at 18. my dear mom has felt an increasing burden to counsel me well through my relationship w/ charlie brown. she has asked that i get some trusted input from people like these about our future and someone to "ask the hard questions". i am happy to seek this out and am hopeful that this choice (to visit these particular friends that both she and i respect); is a good choice.

i want my mom to really bless this union between charlie brown and i- and realize that i need to do the footwork (at some level this is another way to put 'jump through the hoops') but leave the results of this footwork to God. we'll see if i can do it!

from the previous paragraphs a sharp reader can deduce that things have progressed well with charlie brown. i must say, falling in love is way better than i thought it would be.

more soon.

bye

well- here i sit at the end of another day...

i have stayed mildly busy and am happy to be on my way soon. i hope that in the near future, i will be able to really tackle this issue i am facing in my life of uncertainty and feeling helpless. this job market sucks! i feel paralyzed to stay in the 'security' of this temp to perm job- but really may end up in the looney bin soon if i don't participate in something that seems meaningful that involves interacting with people, helping to meet needs, or be creative. ideally, the next step in life will involve all.

i heard somewhere that a life map does not involve jumping into your niche at 21 after your done with whatever schooling you took to be 'prepared' for your niche. instead- your 20's should consisit of as many enviornements and expereinces as you like- to expose you to what is out there.

your 30's is choosing where to settle (not literally but moreso calling and vocation)...

and your 40's is where you begin to hit your stride.

my 20's were on track. i lived fun places; did things i wanted etc. but i don't feel anymore prepared to settle. i do know what i want from my life and ministry- but i don't know how to earn $. and i don't think i have it in me to just think of the eight hrs i'm at work daily as just putting my time in to do something i really want to do...

and i'm not sure that God made me that way (no judgement statements here).

thinking again about nursing school.

tomorrow i will tell you how things are unfolding about charlie brown.

onward and upward good people!

blog*spot - blog hosting

blog*spot - blog hosting

almost friday

if all of you wonderful and loyal readers out there are wondering my work status- i am at a different place than i was in may. i am still in the land of indentured servants- i mean temporary workers. my job has some interesting aspects and i am grateful for the highest wage since leaving my 'real job'. i really can't complain! but of course- i do :(

still trying unsuccessfully to use the hyper link feature and personalize the links. but to no avail! atleast i can see the links to personalize...

tonight i am meeting a woman who is loosing her father to cancer. i hope that i can be of some support and comfort to her. i know that the journey of watching my dad die has changed me forever. b/c this is the 2nd anniversary of the attacks on our country- it reminds me how little our country knows about grief and how to experience and use it in our lives. i pray that God would continue to give grace to those in need, to this woman tonight, and to me- as i continue to miss my dad.

i will try and update the events that have unfolded since my first bloggin stint in may sometime today.

what?

is this working?

hyperlink

where the hell did those options go for links and junk? that's a sweet feature.

trying the hyperlink AGAIN

yep- i flunked

arrrghhhh.

i'm baaaaaack.

so i'm a terrible blogger. who can blame me. i've been both intimidated and inspired by the numerous stellar bloggers i've been reading.

i'm back in the saddle!

trying the hyperlink