state of my union:

as i sit and consider the state of my spirit I get kind of depressed.

i know that i only have this polaroid camera view of spirituality. i can be terribly simplistic and formulatic in my faith. this is tough for me to admit. i want to be a modern mystic that says all kinds of fantastic things that are profound and ethereal.

but the truth is that my life (both outer and inner) don’t look like what i want them to look. i try to wake up and pray. i’d like to study more than do; i wish it was easier to tell the truth. i’d like to treat money like it belongs to God. but the reality is; so much of my aspirations fall short. the ones that i do ‘fulfill’; i expect to produce more inward change than they accomplish.

the only thing I can say is simply- that I think that I get what it means a little bit more this year than I did last year- that God loves me no matter what…

this year, i have learned a bit more about what it means to take responsibility for my choices rather than being chronically pissed at the world. i guess i think of that as influencing my spiritual health.

the other thing that has dawned on me through the entrance of charles into my life is the reminder that i’m not always right. the way that I look at things; my perspective and the like- i can often be wrong. i know- i know- i look like an egocentric fool- but yeah- i wasn’t fooling anyone anyways. being grounded in the reality that I have a margin of error has helped me move closer to right sized- and that’s always a good thing for God’s stage in my life.

the last thing is this- I am learning to ‘live life on lifes terms’. this is an invaluable phrase that is used in AA. i love it. it helps me to remember that God intended for me to live in reality- and not in my altered state (being drunkenness or sober delusion). God wants me to live my life the way it is- not the way that i wish it was. in being present in the moment; accepting God’s script instead of my own; i get to see cool things, and watch Him change me- little by little. i want monumental change in me- i want world-changing influence. i have lots of grandiose thoughts about what God should do with me.

He wants my fidelity; He wants my love. He wants me to love others. even when there is no gain or stroke for me. even when people steal from me and mock me.

i outlined a manifesto of sorts that covers each major relationship in my life. while i wouldn't feel comfortable posting it for the world to read (although at this point it's only myt mom and anne reading this probably); i'll give you a taste.

in the year to come, i would like my life to take steps towards these ends:

+ i will focus on basics of my faith- repentance, forgiveness and selfless love. i will avoid spiritual bells and whistles.

+ i want to integrate creativity into my spiritual life again. i will make space for art making.

+ i will reject the lie and repent of the thought that i don't fit in anywhere.

+ i will not allow the fact that i have no money effect my giving. i will look for chances to give my money away to those not as fortunate as me. money is not my master.

+ i will work all 12 steps.

this is the state of my union.