2006-12-28

things you probably didn't know about me and some other stuff

: i have a weakness for all things espinoge.
: i want people to think i'm laid back- but i'm actually pretty uptight.
: i always play like i hate chains but i love walmart and can't resist the prices.
: i did a break job on my fox and lived to tell about it. i consider it a badge of honor for my womanhood.
: i've been trying to think of a subtle way to work that into a blog post- but i'm throwing cuation to the wind and i'm just writing it- shamelessly.

in other news:
: one of the things that excites me most about constance's arrival is watching charles be a dad. i think i might fall in love w/ him all over.
: christmas was great. my brother and his family came. they didn't stay long enough- but it was fun nonetheless.
: i finally like our house. i have always liked our house (the bones of it atleast)- but it's finally painted and feels more like ours. i didn't anticipate it taking so long. it suprised me.

today's chewable vitamin...

"the job of the artist is always to deepen the mystery."
~ francis bacon

2006-12-16

funny thing #187 about being preggers...

waking myself up from a dead sleep b/c i'm snoring or snorting.

preganancy is not for the faint at heart people.

2006-12-10

on having a girl... constance ebele

so- we're having a girl. i already mentioned it but it has consumed my thoughts of late.

we're excited. but when i think about it too much i get kinda scared. here are some things that i have been thinking about lately.

i found some comfort in the thought of having a boy b/c if i had a baby boy i would pass off half my mistakes in raising him with the excuse, 'how am i supposed to know? i'm a girl.' but w/ a girl i feel more pressure to know what i'm doing*.

nikki told me a story recently about her girls getting the shaft from other little girls and it dawned on me that i've forgotten how mean girls can be to each other. i work with lots of men and my closest relationships with women are safe and whole. even the relationships w/ women that aren't whole or are in some state of disarray- it's not b/c someone is just plain mean spririted. but i've forgotten that i had to pass through all that to get here. and granted- it was worth it b/c my freindships are prized gift of mine- one i' thought i'd never have- but omg- constance is going to have to do all that. it's mortifying really. mortifying to think of our little girl is going to have her feelings hurt by other little girls. it is also daunting to think that i am going to have to parent her through all those hurt feelings.

i don't remember talking about my feelings getting hurt much growing up. which could explain a lot about the long road it has taken me to do it (that i'm still on) as an adult and deal w/ disappointment and feeling left out or whatever. i think i was just busy doing something else and didn't pay attention to my feelings. i'm sure some of that is the environment i grew up in (for better or worse) and the different things our family went through when i was young. but thinking about how to provide an environment like that for constance is intimidating.

i guess this is the kind of stuff you hear people talking about when they say parenthood peels back another layer of how dependent we really are on Jesus. it's just a matter of how much we yeild to that reality and access the power of the Spirit in parenting i suppose. this all sounds good- but i really have no idea what i'm talking about- it's just seems like more and more of a reality. just like when people tell you marriage is a lot of work- you can't know until you actually do it and find yourself bitching about the smell of liver and sardines reaks on the house or something equally mundane and trite(not that i've ever done that).

speaking of equally mundane and nerve racking things that float in my head- what kind of hair will constance have? i've been praying that she gets the best of both charles' and my features. there's a new guy at work cleon- who does hair on the side- i'll have to ask him what shampoo to use for a baby. how will i learn to tame it? when do people start w/ braids? how expensive are braids? how do you wash braids?

in the meantime i'm trying to find a piece of artwork for constance's room from a nigerian woman artist and something cool w/ sojourner truth. i don't know if i should give it to someone to photoshop it and andy warhol it- or if a nicely framed print will suffice. i do wonder how we will navigate all the culture nuances of being nor only bi-racial but from two different cultures. we're trying to bring my mother in law here this spring to be with us for some months. this is both wonderful and stressful to consider. it is comforting b/c it's very very important to me that charles' family know that i love him being nigerian and i don't want america to beat it out of him. it will also help b/c we want constance to have an integrated sense of her heritage and having christiana with us get us off on the right foot. but you know i haven't really had the pleasure/opportunity/ neccessity of navigating the legendary mother in law relationship. we jkust talk on the phone once a month and chuckle at eachother's feeble attempts to speak english/igbo.

the good news is that i don't think i'll have to deal w/ any of that manipulative bull that we americans pull on each other in our families. more than likely- i won't ever wonder what my mother in law thinks about my mothering style (unless i choose to)- she'll just come right out and tell me i'm doing it wrong. and then i can tell her that i'm not, thank her for her input, ask her to be quiet and move on. easier said than done... but we'll see. i actually appreciate that about nigerian culture. for the most part- it is what you see is what you get.

these are my thoughts this day.

hope you had a good weekend.

* i should say that i'm the type that if we were having a boy i would be freaking out about that too. i have an unusual talent to stress about just about anything.

2006-12-02

world aids day

i have reached my quota of downer stories about africa. i read a story in a major publication that sent me over the edge. i read these desperatley awful stories and see pictures of kids w/ no shoes and snot on their face and wonder- 'who are these people publishing these stories?' if i read one more i might jump off a cliff.

the article today was the relationship between hiv/aids infection and pedolphilia in african culture. granted- this is from a publication i can think of one time in the last five years where i read of an equally well covered and long story about american's addition to child pornogrpahy.

i am sick of it.

part of me is sick of it b/c charles has told me on several occassions how rare of an instance it is for a pedophile to exist let alone continue to live in a community. they kill people for that shit where charles comes from. but somehow- this makes the front page today? it's bullshit. it's bullshit b/c i don't beleive it refleccts the norm and it's bullshit b/c consider the source... i would fathom that our fellow citizens make up 75% of the sex tourist patronage in the world amongest little kids. but somehow we as a country collectively publish, read and perhaps believe w/o a thought about those poor african bastards who are spreading aids.

don't get me wrong. there are devastating stories about africa but there are hopeful ones too. and i think i'm going to find some and write about them here. and people like kirsten, lyndi, charles and me might make our own hopeful stories some day and put an end to explotative downer stories that contribute to america's condesending and disgustingly opprotunisitc views of the continent.

it is just now dawning on me that i'm going to raise a kid in this society (i know- i'm a slow learner) and that constance ebela will have to navigate through people's misconceptions and ignorance. all in the face of appauling hypocricy amongest those from majority culture that judge what is developed and undeveloped. what is civilized and uncivilized.

and i think the idea of being a parent (or one of them) is to model how one should deal with those misconceptions, ignorance and hypocricy. prayerfully constance will deal w/ it more gracefully than her mom.

god have mercy.

chewable vitamin:
"true dignity is never gained by place, and never lost when honors are withdrawn."
~ phillip massinger

2006-11-14

the maniac dance

i was going to sit down and write a meaningful post.

instead i am posting this adorable picture of maggie and jack sullivan.

my husband just arrived home and he's shouting and doing the nigerian version of the flashdance maniac dance b/c he's so happy to be done w/ his vli quarter.

can you blame me for dropping everything to enjoy the dance?



jack and maggie

2006-11-06

note to self...

it is not always about me.

2006-10-28

2006-10-10

blurred

i got some news today that was hard to hear. in fact, i was so upset by the news that my vision was litterally blurred. that's never happened to me before. my immediate response was to find the wrong doer and kick some ass (not that i really could- i just wanted to). the rest of the afternoon i felt queesy and sick with sadness.

the news was another story of sin and falleness in life and in the lives of those around me.

it made me pray that someday the Lord will mature me to the point where my eyesight blurs when i think of my own desperation and depravity before God. it seems my life would be much better if i focused on myself and 'my part' in the wrongs of life rather than get so upset by the wrongs of others. that's not to say that there aren't legitimate wrongs done that legitimately upset a person- i'm just saying- my life would be alot more simple if i focused on my own stuff instead of everybody elses.

today's chewable vitamin:


"why do americans love war so much?"
~charles obugo okonkwo

(in the movie theater watching a trailer for an upcoming war movie)

2006-10-07

basically...

i have discovered that my voice sounds good under the following conditions:
riding home late from dayton after seeing lori and her family.
with the car stero on loudly
with my well worn war cd on.
it's so great to know every single word of the first band you ever loved.

i can sign loudly to this album and be a rock star.

i will write soon about how my love affair with prince began in 1995. it involves having the runs and other bodily fluids. it also involves ike and tina turner. check back. you won't want to miss it.

2006-09-19

funny thing #103 about being preggers...

if i have to go inside a gas station to pay for gas- i want to barf.

it's that rotisserre meat that is on those roller things for 15hrs daily. i only like gas stations that smell like bleach.

also- if you ever say the word, 'cured meat' to me- i want to barf. infact- if you say it to me- i might barf on you. try it. i'll show you my overactive gag reflex.

no joke.
typing the word is hard enough.
seriously.

2006-09-12

why i make myself crazy

i don't know why i do this to myself. i do things knowing that it will only serve to get me wound up. basically- i watched the president speak last night and i'm still thinking about it.

within the first minutes he said this:

"...On 9/11, our nation saw the face of evil. Yet on that awful day, we also witnessed something distinctly American: ordinary citizens rising to the occasion, and responding with extraordinary acts of courage. We saw courage in office workers who were trapped on the high floors of burning skyscrapers, and called home so that their last words to their families would be of comfort and love. We saw courage in passengers aboard Flight 93, who recited the 23rd Psalm, and then charged the cockpit. And we saw courage in the Pentagon staff who made it out of the flames and smoke, and ran back in to answer cries for help..."

i was bothered by this statement and he lost me for the remainder of the 'memorial' speech. i wonder if president bush really thinks it is 'distinctly american' for ordinary people to rise to the occassion and show courage.

i found that statment to be obtuse, near-sighted, just plain prejudice or a smattering of all those things. i don't mean to detract from the tragedy of the day- or the heroism that it stirred. but i wonder if he was proposing that if this had happened in another part of the world that ordinary people would of responded differently. if so- you gotta wonder where what history books or dailys the guy reads. people around the world today fight more systemic, low grade (in some cases), unjust aggression without claiming that it is 'distinctly' sudanesse, ugandan, lebanese or israeli. these same people fight it with perserverance, without fanfare, and with the same heroism and courage that we saw from fellow americans on 911.

part of me thinks that us americans are overly sentimental. i know it is a bit of a sacrilidge to say that surrounding this event. but- this is coming from someone who considers herself to be thankful i was born in america, blessed by many of the wonderful things our country affords, not isolated and exposed to some amount of a global perspective, and a former resident of the great borough of manhattan in the wonderful city of New York.

it seems to me that what was so awful about september 11th is that it was the first huge wake up call of my lifetime- that we are like everyone else. in many ways- the tragedy initiated us into the world community. it is ironic that the same event is used by president bush's administration to draw the lines of distinction of where we are not like the world community and are exempt from some of the responsibilites and obligations that bind others (the commoners).

2006-09-07

baby on brain

hello world.

i hope you are well. i am looking forward to autumn coming in full swing. other than that- my thoughts consist mostly about being a mom. which i don't think is the kind of thing that people find interesting to read. but it's the truth- i got baby on the brain. pregnancy has been quite revealing to me. sometimes i think i love it- the intensity the realness of everything. my senses are heightened and i experience life so differently. other times it is something i prefer to never relive.

i'm sure that i've always been self absorbed and have had some awareness that i had it in me- but that too- seems to be unusually acute. all and all i am very sure that i know less now in life than ever before in my adulthood. i really and truly have no idea what we've gotten ourselves into. it seems that we have entered the twilight zone. i know they say it's normal, but i think i thought i knew more than i actually do- and i am just now realizing it.

charles tells me not to worry- all we have to do is feed the baby and clean it. i find this incredibly endearing and a bit of perspective that while parenting is a responsibility- we can only do so much as a mom and a dad. i always thought that parents were supposed to save the world. perhaps this explains some of the disconnect i've expereinced w/ my own flawed but wonderful parents.

charles also tells me that i am dealing with pregnancy like 'a strong african woman'. which i find to be so encouraging and wonderful.

that's it for now.

bye!

2006-08-15

today's chewable vitamin:

both thought provoking and annoying.
if i did one of these today- it would be a good day.

"just for today i will try to live through this day only, and not tackle all my problems at once. i can do something for twelve hours that would appall me if i felt i had to keep it up for a lifetime.

just for today i will be happy. this assumes to be true what abraham lincoln said, that 'most folks are as happy as they make up thier mind to be.'

just for today i will adjust myself to what is, and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. i will take my 'luck' as it comes, and fit myself to it.

just for today i will try to strengthen my mind. i will study. i will learn something useful. i will not be a mental loafer. i will read read something that requires effort, through and concentration.

just for today i will exercise my soul in three ways; i will do someboday a good turn, and not get found out; if anyboday knows of it, it will not count. i will do at least two things i don't want to do- just exercise. i will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt; they may be hurt, but today i will not show it.

just for today i will be agreeable . i will look as well as i can, dress becomingly, keep my voice, low, be courteous, criticize not one bit. i won't find fault with anything, not try to improve or regulate anyboday but myself.

just for today i will have a program. i may not follow it exactly, but i will have it. i will save myself from two pest: hurry and indecision.

just for today i will have a quiet half hour all by myself, and relax. during this half hour, sometime, i will try to get a better perspective of my life.

just for today i will be unafraid. especially i will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful, and to believe that as i give to the world, so the world will give to me."

2006-08-06

baby



this is a picture of our baby.
it is the best picture ever.

basically, i am pregnant and have energy to work forty five to sixty hours weekly and sleep. that's it. this is what my life consists of right now. apparently it gets a little bit better during pregnancy and then once the baby comes- life never goes back to the previously defined 'normal'. this a a-ok w/ me. although i say that in ignorance. my body shuts down on weekends. i think it (my body) knows that i don't have to do anything- so it goes into a revolt and demands i sleep. it is as if i am a bear in hibernation.

please pray for our wee one and for both charles and i.

i might blog more now that i'm officially public (i'm 13weeks). or i might just sleep. not sure.

bye for now!

2006-07-16

hiatus

hello blog world.
it's me.
maureen.

my absense has not been in protest. we just didn't have the computer hooked up. and we moved. and we've been busy. and we've been unpacking. and we've been doing homeowner type things. and we've been overwhelmed.

i suffered from a bit of isolationism w/ no phone, computer, or tv for about three weeks. but i think i'm snapping out of it.

but life is good. very good actually. the quality of my problems these days are way better than i ever could of imagined. these are good things for me to remember.

there are many things happening in life okonkwo and many things in the world around us. here are some of what's on my mind today:

: the peace talks in uganda.
: my brother's visit to Columbus with his family this week.
: shipping to thirteen thousand locations with various marketing material around the world in one day.
: the g8 summit and how there can still be the levels of poverty and desperation in the world in light of the wealth that is represented.
: what i should do as an individual about that point.
: how i wish someone else was president when the middle east is about to implode.
: how i pray no one bombs syria.
: how kim jung il is a crazy mofo.
: other stuff that i'll have to tell you about later.

my mom is coming over this afternoon to help make sense of this thing they call a house. i gotta remember that it helps me to break overwhelming things down into bite sized pieces. when i get overhelmed- i tend to shut down.

charles has his intensive today and then he'll come home and we'll eat eggplant parmasan and goto bed early. i don't know when i will be signing in next- but when i do- i will post pictures of life and my brother's visit b/c his kids are freagin hilarious.

if you're reading this and your name is lori, chelsea, lyndi, nikki or jamie- i need to see you soon. if your name is something other than these names- i bet i'd like to see you too.

goodbye for now.

today's chewable vitamin:
"you don't choose your family. they are God's gift to you, as you are to them."
: desmond tutu

2006-06-01

may recap

here's a guide to our may.

an early highlight was a sleepover w/ my niece laurel. we did a variety of things. included but not limited to- riding in a red wagon, playing on the playground, eating jeni's ice cream and running alot. i got her gardening gloves and we worked in the yard. she insisted i take numerous pictures of her clucking her tongue- which i tired to explain would be difficult to catch on camera.




we also made mean faces.





we also found our house- which our slated date to take possession is june 30. we're very excited.

two of my closest friends had baby boys. oddly, they weigh in at different ends of the spectrum. the diachotomy is a bit funny. phoenix came in at 4lbs 8oz (i think). later, gabe came in at a whopping 9lbs 11 oz. good times peeps. good times!

i celebrated my 33rd birthday. that was pretty good. my favorite celebration was with charles. we went to the old mowak in hopes to partake in their veggie paella. which they discontinued. although i was disappointed- i recovered. we then walked around german village and headed over to the book loft. we wandered through there for a number of hours then got something to drink at cupojoe. the evening was completed by a call from jess and joe that the baby was coming. i went over to be w/ evelyn. i took care of her for four waking hours and had to take a four hour nap afterwards. she is by no means- high maintanance. i just have no idea how much energy kids take.

so here's to my thirty third year- the year of sexual peakness for women.

this past weekend was our anniversary. two years! wow! i can't believe how much my love for charles has grown. it is wonderful to be married- even when it is hard. we went to the annual meeting of the anam development foundation. this is where eveybody living in the US that is in charles' lineage comes together in a host city. we all pay dues and then decide on a project to do back home. it was pretty sweet. as always, the greeting i received was so warm. all of our family is thrilled with just about anything i do to identify with them and are gracious and patient with my language and go to great lengths to make me feel included and like, 'one of the girls'.

see...







we had a party afterwards that was wonderfully festive. everyone dressed to the nines and we had all kinds of soup to choose from. there was also dried fish that was way good and goat which for some reason made me a little queesy this time b/c the smell was so strong. i usually like goat.

anyways... here is a picture of us at the party:

2006-05-26

crowded house

now... that was a good band.

the crowded house in this heretofor context is my head.

here are the things i have been thinking about and things i wonder what you think about:

i'll preface this one by saying that i think about a lot of things that i don't actually do. this is sometimes a very good thing, and sometimes it is a very bad thing. sometimes i wish i could be judged by my intentions and other times, i thank God that i am not.

with that said, i have a good friend who is a straight single man who lives with a mutal friend who is lesbian. they are pregnant. together. they are great great people who i love. deeply. i know them well. better than i know some of you who read this here blog. i am so happy for them. a third mutual friend asked me to help host a babyshower for them. i think i might do it.

i'd be interested in hearing from you oh peanut gallery....

secondly,
i have been thinking about the giftings/leanings of church planting personalities. this requires a preface as well. if a church panter's context and desire is to reach people no one else it reaching b/c their too weird, too black, too gay, to far, too close, to loud, too awkward, too ugly- does that planter's gift set need to be different than a church plant that casts its net wide and is just your basic church for everyone and more mainstream? assuming that the answer is yes then my next question is:

is it more important for a planter in the above described context to have a emphasis/gifting to be on reaching and developing leaders (which this is where i think most people that plant land)? or is it more important for them to have developed mercy and evangelism giftings?

do the base set of gifts in a church planter need to exist no matter what the context?

please feel free to chime in on this one.

which leads me to the next logical thought in my non linear, random, stream of conciousness state... i kinda don't know what i think about church growth. don't get me wrong. i love me some people who didn't love Jesus, meeting Him and digging Him. sometimes i get bummed when i think about the kingdom being this utility machine. it makes me wanna barf honestly.


i got in a conversation just last night about something that i don't know the answer too.

if a vineyard distinctive is that they reach out to the least last and lost; do you think a church that is just your basic church can do that under typical circumstances? if a churches target is to reach a community, and hope in the process- they are sensitive to the needs of the least last and lost- i think that's possible and luckily i can think of a number of churches within thirty minustes of where i'm at right now- that expereince this as a norm.

however, what if you feel your concentration is specifically, to minister amongest people others are ignoring? i don't know that i believe that a church plant can serve the people everyone else is ignoring unless they favor efforts, programs, time, money, energies and relationships to the exclusion of other things that a geographically based church plant might spend their efforts, programs, time, money, energy and relationships.

does this make any sense? i totally know what i'm trying to ask- but i'm not sure i can get it all out the way i mean it.

i think the problem is that i am thinking about it like it's one or the other. but in defense of all the crap i tried to outline, i do think there is more to it than just, 'we can do church planting like we always do it' and expect to get an outcome to be different than it is now. the now being a dynamic movement of church plants that reach middle class ,disallushened white people, who like to think of themselves as progressive, like passionate worship, aren't scared of people that speak in tongues (but not if they do it too loudly). god forbid anything offends our sensibilites that are rooted in the fear of loss of priveledge, rights mongoring and comfort levels.

sorry.

i just lost it.

chewable vitamin:
"Oh wretched man that I am, who will deliver meFrom the body of this death
Can I even factor, that I've only been an actorIn this staged interpretation of this day
Focused on the shadow, with my back turned to the light
Too intelligent to see it's me in the wayWhat a paradox, having God trapped in a box
All this time professing to be spiritual
Naturally pretending, that I'm actually defendingGod thru my facade only material
Oh Jerusalem, wash thy heart from wickedness
That thou mayest be saved from thy deceptionHow long, shall thy vain thoughts lodge within thee
Oh Jerusalem, keeping thee from perfectionSubmit to truth, leave the deception of thy youth
So we could walk in the council of authorityForget the proof, a generations so aloof
Only followin' the steps of the majority
Trust in the Lord, with all thine heart
And lean not to thine own understanding in all thy ways
Acknowledge Him, and He shall correct thy paths
Be not wise in thine on eyes,
Or you can't follow Him
We judge and condemn, just as ignorant as them
Who religion tells us that we should ignorePerpetrating we're in covenant with Him
Exposed by the very things that we adore
We grin and shake hands, then lay ambush for the man
Who has a different point of view then usInfuriated cuz he doesn't understandBringing up those things we don't want to discuss
Why still do evil, when we don't know how to do good
Walking on in darkness running from the light, eyLed to believe, because we live in neighborhoodsTelling us what's going on will be alright
Oh so repressed, so convinced that I was blessedWhen I played with my game of monopoly
Oh to suggest, that my life is still a messWill reveal the pride I'm hiding is what's stopping me
Oh Jerusalem, wash thine heart from wickedness
That thou mayest be saved from thy deceptionHow long, shall thy vain thoughts lodge within thee
Oh Jerusalem providing you no protection.
Abide in Me and I in you, as the branch cannot bare...fruit of itself except in the vineI am the Vine, ye are the branches, He that live in Me and I in him, The same bring forth much fruitFor without me, you can do nothing
Oh Jerusalem, you're traditions have deceived youI've chosen you, you haven't chosen Me
Do whatsoever, you asking My Name He may give to youBut in vain they call My Name teaching doctrines just the same
Justified among themselves
But God know knoweth the heart, what man esteemed as smartIs an abomination to Emmanuel
Just repent, turn from selfish motivationSo iniquity will not cause your demise
Make you a new heart and a new spirit...for why would you die
Oh Jerusalem, please tell me why"

~ lauren hill

2006-05-16

i used the effword in here- but couldn't help it.


nora... eat her w/ spoon

i have a few things to say tonight.

it is a very good thing that phoenix kay has joined the world.
i very much look forward to meeting him.

i watched two segments of 60 minutes that were very compelling.

the first was coverage of andy stern and his efforts to revitalize labor unions in america. it was very interesting. i'd be interested to hear what the readership that are union members (or former members) have to say about it (read- jess abei). he proposes that labor unions are a practical way to move people out of poverty.

the second segment was on a charter school and a second reniassance happening in harlem. very kozol- very very cool. i was raised in a home where private education was scoffed at and home schoolers scorned. irregardless of being a daughter of a public school teacher- it seems most would agree that without drastic intervention- the underserved kids in urban settings today will be left by the wayside... again. no white child left behind you know...

which brings me to something i find myself often trying to work unnaturally into conversation... how christians involved or interested in community development should look into credit unions. thy kingdom come should not only lend immediate aid to alievate suffering in order to lessen it- but actually break cycles of poverty. responsible capatlisim, ethical lending/giving, and standards that work to preserve particpant's dignity are good things that can break the back of some of the demons that hold people in poverty.

i'm not going health and wealth on you my peeps.
i'm just sayin.

this has quickly turned into a rant. not my intention- but sometimes i can't help it.

i read something by dick durbin (d-il) where he quoted the oil revenue last year alone as some 110 bllion dollars. that was the same weekend i heard princess zulu speak on the response the the HIV/AIDS pandemic in africa. nearly seven thousand people die daily in africa due HIV/AIDS. that's not even to mention deaths due to preventable and treatable illnesses like malaria or others caused by lack of clean drinking water.

the diachotomy made me want to bash my head againest the wall. i'm sorry- but 110billion fucking dollars? it literally makes my stomach go into immediate non-cooperation. meanwhile (as princess zulu pointed out); i find room to complain about the cost of a gallon of gas. oye.

in closing- you should very much purchase this edition of the new rebublic. it will be a good account of our generation's passive and active role in the ongoing genocide in darfur for your grandchildren. will i be embarassed to share my story with my grandchilden? God have mercy on me- i hope not.


2006-05-09

home ownership

this is us...

very happy.






b/c we found this...




this is our new house

it is close to kirsten's. i'm too paranoid to write the address.

to say that my life has exceeded my very best expectations and dreams is an understatement. God has been very generous to me. and this would be true even if i didn't have some of the bells and whistles of life.

i don't think i could of imagined a time in my life where people would actually fend for my business- especially considering when that business is loaning you thousands of dollars. it is weird to be trusted. good. but weird.

2006-04-23

some thoughts of late

princess nora

: it seems very gross to me to imagine an organ (like an appendix) being pulled through a tiny laproscopic hole in your abdomen.

: i have a new favorite store- urban gardener on high street. me gusto mucho.

: i have identified a dilusion of mine. this week, while off work- i was so self concious not being/feeling productive. i compensated by obsessively thinking about the future. this felt productive to me. my realization is that obsessively thinking about something is infact- not productive.

: on that note and with some humor- i will now share what our life will look like in two years. b/c clearly- i have it all figured out:

~ i will work on and complete my masters in education.
~ we will purchase a house.
~ we will be pregnant.
~ charles will successfully complete the process to apply to in his dream PHD program.
~ i receive counsel and therapy for my deep seeded control issues. :)

: we went to a great party friday night. it was at taylor mansion. it was a thank you party thrown by a good friend from highschool. it was in honor of the community that supported she and her husband through the most difficult year of their marriage. i can think of no better reason to party!

: seedlings have started to sprout for oregano, basil, okra, tomatos, and sage. rosemary is struggling. will purchase lavender and rosemary and perhaps some thyme. this is a picture of my nephew aidan's spice chart.

spices_aidan


2006-04-13

good friday

passover_africa

i found these images of the passion by different african artists.

i really like them and hope you do too.

bye!

2006-04-10

holy week

i know christmas is supposed to be the season to hear the song, 'it's the most wonderful time of the year (i'm hearing the amy grant version by the way in my head. ... not that i hear things in my head). but i definatley think this is the most wonderful time of the year.

it is also wonderful b/c my inner lutheran comes out.

today's chewable vitamin:

"He will shade you with his wings; you will not fear the terror of the night.
He who lives under the protection of the Most High dwells under the shade of the Almighty.He will say to the Lord: “You are my shelter and my strength, my God, in whom I trust”. For he will free you from the hunter’s snare, from the voice of the slanderer. He will shade you with his wings, you will hide underneath his wings. His faithfulness will be your armour and your shield. You will not fear the terror of the night, nor the arrow that flies by day; nor the plague that walks in the shadows, nor the death that lays waste at noon.

A thousand will fall at your side, at your right hand ten thousand will fall, but you it will never come near. You will look with your eyes and see the reward of sinners. For the Lord is your shelter and refuge; you have made the Most High your dwelling-place. Evil will not reach you, harm cannot approach your tent;for he has set his angels to guard you and keep you safe in all your ways.They will carry you in their arms in case you hurt your foot on a stone.

You walk on the viper and cobra, you will tread on the lion and the serpent.

Because he clung to me, I shall free him: I shall lift him up because he knows my name.
He will call upon me and for my part, I will hear him: I am with him in his time of trouble.
I shall rescue him and lead him to glory.
I shall fill him with length of days and show him my salvation.
Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Holy Spirit, as it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end. Amen.

He will shade you with his wings; you will not fear the terror of the night."
~ psalm 91

2006-04-09

lately

i have a couple of things on my mind that i thought i would share. i had coffee at 10pm and 12.20pm suddenly seems like the perfect time to blog. here are my thoughts and things that might be worthwhile to know...

:: i don't get going to church when you're not connected to people at that church. i think this is a good thing that i don't get it. this is not a statement on church perse- more on my understanding of how vital it is to be connected to people.

:: if you order rotolo's pepporoni pizza cooked well done and cut into pies- i doubt you'll order any other kind of pizza. it's way good.

:: i have had an expereince at work lately- where i am more deeply convinced that having people in authority believe in you is super powerful. it does my heart good.

:: i went to see invisable children tonight.

here is a list of movies that have raised my social awareness and stirred mercy in my heart. if you have some movies that fit this category- please share them in the comment section:

: glory~ mbrodrick post ferris; denzel pre malcom x. civil war movie about a all black regimen.
: flawless~ deniro (hard ass cop) and semoyer hoffman (drag queen) develop a friendship.
: schindler's list~ liam neeson as the righteous gentile.
: hotel rwanda~ when america shut its eyes (part VIII).
: monsoon wedding~ dysfunctional familes are trans-cultural.
: crash~ race in modern america... not that we have a race problem...
: to kill a mocking bird (but the book was better)~ atticus was one of my first heros.
: lord of war~ a nicolas cage movie that doesn't make me laugh at him the whole time.
: cry freedom~ steve binko and a dutch guy's friendship.
: amandla~ the role of art in the uprising of aparthied.
: magnolia~ the conflicted relationship between a estranged man and his wacked out son.
: born into brothels~ art redeems.
: fog of war~ documentary interview w/ robert macnamara re: vietanam.
: city of god~ art redeems part II.
: motorcycle diaries: che was a commie- but his mercy gifts put most christians to shame.
: american history x: edward norton as skin head.
: malcom x~ denzel gets our attention and convinced me that malcom x wasn't simply an angry black man.
: boys in the hood~ singleton is not clique.
: promises~ a documentary about seven (i think it's 7) palestinian boys and seven jewish boys throughout their childhood and their developing freindship.
: the lost boys of sudan~ the story of refugees from sudan and their acclimation to america.
: invisable children~ makes me proud to be a Christian. historic social movements for change have been led by people of faith. i hope this is our moment.

well... i guess it is time to sleep now.

that is my niecy maggie in the masthead.

love you my peeps.

2006-03-29

dim mirrors

where to begin...

well- i've been working alot lately. that will likely continue through june. we're thinking about buying a house. i dunnon if now's the right time for us to do that or not. my mom and niecy's birthday is tommorrow. i went to see jim wallis last night and that was way good.

i went to mark palmer's wake tonight. i went to his first wife's wake too and i didn't even know her. i guess i went more as a protest than anything else. death is so profoundly wrong. but a death like mark's just reminds me of that at a deeper level.

when i was able to identify why i was going to mark's wake even though i knew him only casually; i was reminded of something that wallis said last night- protest is good- alternatives are better. different context but applicable concept.

so- here's to getting my hands dirty in the 'alternatives' of the kingdom of God; praying for the dying, talking to my herion addict friend who can't stay clean and conspiring to bless strippers. but oh for the day when death- in all it's twisted forms will not only not have a sting- but will be the lauging stock of heaven.

i'm debating about our herbs. frankly i'm scared our agressive neighbor might pour cat urine on anything i eventually grow. verdit is still out. regardless- they will be in containers either way. that way they are portable and if we move- they come with...

i went to chipoltle for take out and while i was waiting in line i was watching this guy eat. man i about barfed watching that guy eat his dinner. i seriously thought i might loose it waiting in line. but i choked it down. it was like a car accident- i couldn't look away.

we're rejoicing that charles taylor is in custody in freetown sierra leone. God have mercy on that pastor seeking to help him find another country for asylum. i read a story about him and he sounds legit- but finding charles taylor another skirt from justice? stop the crack! and a shout out to ellen johnson sirleaf for calling for his extradition. she's got some cahoonas.

2006-03-14

blee blee blah

lent_war


today's chewable vitamin:
"i am only one, but i am one. i cannot do everything, but i can do something. and because i cannot do everything, i will not refuse to do the something that i can do. what i can do, i should do. And what i should do, by the grace of God, i will do."
~ edward everett hale

2006-02-27

cspan and quakers


bono_obasanjo

on our desktop.
read more about this photo and the event here...

this photo contains some important people in life okonkwo. president bill clinton who charles hearts. bono who maureen hearts and has brain washed charles to heart by subliminal brain transmission and music playing while asleep. our favorite west african diplomatic kofi. and ofcourse preseident obasanjo from 'the great giant'- nigeria. there are some birtish blokes too.

we had a picnic last week at our apartment. it was great. we're following the news in nigeria closely. the news of the rioting has been sad and the upcoming bruhaha over elections tense... i wanted to post a screen shot of my faresaver to belfast. i can't figure it out. you can currently fly round trip for under $500. please- someone do it- so i can live vicariously through you. our gas bill topped $400 and i seriosuly thought charles might pee his pants in befuddlement.

have i mentioned i caved and let the bishop (my nickname for charles) get basic cable? within the last year- we've gone from having a t.v. fast (for the first ten months of marriage) to having basic cable. sigh. basically, we watch cspan all the time now. we watched the state of the black union. it was depressingly interesting. we also get a clear signal for pbs. you know you're aging quickly when one considers an evening of pbs and cspan a great evening. but we have wonderful conversation. friday night we watched this great show that covered the world economic fourum on economic development in africa. being married to charles helps me understand what my mom means when she talks sweetly of how she misses my dad- but misses his mind most. i love charles' mind so much.

i'm reading a great book by parker palmer. i love me those quakers. the book is about vocation. i'm having one of those, 'why the hell am i not a teacher' months.

today's chewable vitamin:
"in the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends."
~ mlk

2006-02-20

hello

i am postponing the state of my union until further notice
b/c i don't know what it is...

i'll have to get back to you.

read the article below. it is a good thing that our presdient is doing. pray he is steadfast even in the face of opposistion. it is from the nytimes.

today's chewable vitamin:
“there is no short cut to achievement. life requires thorough preparation -- veneer isn't worth anything.” ~ george washington carver

+++

"President Bush signaled a new American commitment on Friday to addressing the crisis in Darfur, saying he would support an expanded role by NATO to shore up a failing African peacekeeping mission there.

Mr. Bush also said he favored doubling the number of peacekeepers operating in Darfur under United Nations control, as proposed by the Security Council last month. He discussed Darfur, in western Sudan, as an offshoot of a question about the fate of children in war-ravaged northern Uganda.

"I talked to Kofi Annan about this very subject this week," Mr. Bush said, referring to a meeting with the United Nations secretary general. "But it's going to require, I think, a NATO stewardship, planning, facilitating, organizing, probably double the number of peacekeepers that are there now, in order to start bringing some sense of security. There has to be a consequence for people abusing their fellow citizens."

Administration officials said Mr. Bush's comments reflected discussions between the United States and its allies calling for a broader interim role for NATO in Darfur until a larger, United Nations peacekeeping operation can be established.

Fighting between rebel groups and government-backed militias has destroyed entire villages, killing more than 200,000 and displacing about 2 million people. Both the United States and the United Nations have been criticized for responding too slowly to evidence that the African Union peacekeepers were having little effect.

Evangelical Christians have been particularly outspoken in their calls for a more active American role, and Mr. Bush's remarks, in a question-and-answer session in Tampa, appeared to focus increased attention on the issue.

NATO has played a small logistical role in Sudan thus far, primarily airlifting African troops. Until recently, government officials had said NATO might do more, but all the discussion has been about providing equipment, communications and other logistical support.
After President Bush spoke on Friday, a senior State Department official said the United States proposal continued to be "to strengthen the A.U." until United Nations forces arrive late this year.

While Mr. Bush spoke of "a NATO stewardship," the American officials cautioned that NATO would command only logistical operations, not the African Union troops.
They reiterated that Washington would send no American troops. In Congressional testimony this week, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said, "We are prepared to talk with our NATO counterparts about what more we can do to support" the African Union forces "until we can get the U.N. forces" into Darfur.

A Pentagon spokesman, Lt. Col. Joe Carpenter, said in Washington that no decisions had been made on NATO's role, but "NATO could potentially be a significant leader" in United Nations peacekeeping.

Over the last two years, under NATO auspices, the United States has transported tons of supplies and several thousand African Union troops to western Sudan. The United States has also provided $190 million for training and building camps for the soldiers, the Pentagon said.
Mr. Bush's comments on Friday were much more specific than his words at the White House earlier this week when he met with Mr. Annan to discuss Darfur.

An official who described the Oval Office session said Mr. Annan had noted that any new United Nations force would need heavier weapons and far better intelligence units than those provided to the African Union. "That can only come from a few places," the official said, "NATO or the United States."

Mr. Bush acknowledged that the African Union troops had been unable to "bring some sense of security to these poor people that are being herded out of their villages and just terribly mistreated."

"The effort was noble," he said, "but it didn't achieve the objective."

At a NATO meeting last week in Taormina, Sicily, an alliance spokesman, James Appathurai, said the United Nation special representative for Sudan, Jan Pronck, briefed defense ministers on the Security Council debate on Darfur. No decisions were made on expanding the NATO role, he said.

"For the moment NATO is doing what it has been asked to do, and that is to extend our airlift and capacity-building operation," he said.

Over the last year, about 7,000 African Union peacekeepers troops have been stationed in Darfur to monitor and enforce a cease-fire between rebel and government troops. In January, the Security Council began to plan to send peacekeepers to Sudan, which envisions a force of as many as 20,000 operating under a broad mandate.

But United Nations officials have acknowledged that winning commitments from member nations to send that many troops is likely to prove difficult. The United States has stated unequivocally that American combat troops would not be sent there, and other nations have offered similar cautions.

Collecting commitments of troops and deploying them is expected to take up to a year.
In recent days, some members of Congress and others have begun saying they hoped NATO forces could work with the African Union troops until United Nations forces arrive.
"In the interim, let's get NATO involved in this process, because every day you wait, you're going to have more people dying," Senator Sam Brownback, the Kansas Republican, said Thursday in an interview on "The Newshour With Jim Lehrer."

Mr. Bush noted on Friday, as he did last month when asked about Darfur by a student in Kansas, that his Administration was the first to use the word genocide to describe what was happening in Sudan.

"Our country was the first country to call what was taking place a genocide, which matters," he said in front of the audience of about 400 people, who appeared overwhelmingly supportive of Mr. Bush. "Words matter."

Mr. Bush's comments came after he received a briefing on Iraq at MacDill Air Force Base in Tampa, the headquarters of the United States Central Command and the Special Operations Command.

Reporters were ushered into the briefing room, which had a large map of the Middle East projected on the wall, but Mr. Bush did not comment on Iraq while there, or discuss the focus of the briefing.

Later in the day, in Orlando, at Disney's Contemporary Resort, he did speak about Iraq, at a fund-raiser for the Florida Republican party, raising $3 million. "Isn't it fun watching a government be formed by some of the same people who have just been living under the thumb" of Saddam Hussein? Mr. Bush asked the political contributors. "

Joel Brinkley and David S. Cloud contributed reporting from Washington for this article.

2006-02-10

i opened up the walk-in fridge

and queen was playing...

: i'm going to see david wilcox sunday at little brothers.

: i wanted to say that i regret not seeing the indigo girls at irving place in 1999.

: i also wanted to say i regret not going to see matisyahu at the newport.

: but i do not regret getting out of line for the letterman show to see a guest appearance by billy joel in central park (even though i had to wait through a garth brooks concert).

bye.

today's chewable vitamin:

"if a man like malcolm x could change and repudiate racism, if i myself and other former muslims can change, if young whites can change, then there is hope for america... the price of hating other human beings is loving oneself less." ~ eldridge cleaver

2006-02-03

two things

:: the state of my union will be posted soon.
:: jim wallis is coming to columbus and we should all go together.


today's chewable vitamin:

"the most potent weapon in the hands of the oppressor is the mind of the oppressed."
~ steve biko


+++
tags: black history month

2006-01-28

delayed percolation

lots going on these days.

+++
update (01.31.06):
the doc wants to see me in three months.
no immediate action neccessary.
+++

my melancholy has been flaring up lately. this can be attributed to circumstance and lack of rest.


i got a promotion at work. it happened right before new years. so far it has shrunk my quality of life not widened it. i hope that sixty hour weeks are the exception and not the norm. somehow i've ended up on a career path of print warehousing. who knew?

over the last week- i've been reminded of how very much i hate death and the fall. my mom had an outpatient surgery that has laid her up for a week. she's doing fine- but somehow it stirred past emotion of watching my dad be feeble and sick and caring for him. not only do i truly believe that we were not meant to endure death- we were also not intended to watch it.

but my mom is a model of how to grow old well. she went to a sojourners conference and marched on washington dc for peace over mlk day. but still to watch age take its toll is a wearing process.

more acutely, our family friend lori blew her brains out. she fought off the demons of depression for so long- i guess she just got tired and gave up. she spent a number of holidays with our family and i will miss her. it is so profoundly wrong.

the lump in my breast that was biopsed (benign) this november is back. another friend of our family was diagnosed with stage one breast cancer at thirty eight this week. the final word is still out on mine- but the doctor's seem hopeful that mine is nothing of concern. i went for a follow up tuesday. he wanted me to see the radiologist thursday. we will know more in the coming week- there may be some immediate action they suggest. for the record- mammograms hurt like a bitch- but it didn't touch the needle biopsy. while i would love the solution to include not cutting on my breast again- i also dread the alternatives of 'monitoring' it and having to go through this every three months.

this has all been tabled with the rationale that i don't have the time to experience the feelings and emotions. somehow it is not working. i suppose it's God's mercy for me. but sometimes- feeling can be very inconvenient. but it reminds me that i'm alive.

i remember back in the day that people used to call me intense and passionate. but i think some of my choices and patterns in life mellowed me out. i've actually toned down significantly. age is probably a factor too. sometimes i think it is in my better interest to let things and parts of me remain asleep. i think it is a choice of practicality- i tell myself it is a step in maturity. i am coming to realize that this is an issue of balance and surrender for me and that other stuff i've been telling myself might very well be bullshit. i have been broadsided with the huge role that sugar has played in my 'management' of my emotional life. since i stopped intake- my emotional life has felt more acute. i wish i could say that i've been really good at 'letting the Lord in' on the process. i don't know that i have. i think i've made a habit of avoiding myself lately.

i hope this all doesn't sound too glum. b/c i'm actually in a pretty good mood. overall- i mean. and i think i'm doing ok- there's just a lot going on right now. the things i'm looking forward to are the following:

~ our west african dinner party next weekend.
~ meeting w/ a financial planner this week. we actually have money to save. who'dathunk?
~ a couples massage we are getting for valentine's day.
~ dr. chuck kraft coming to church and starting 3rd yr mentoring.
~ reintroducing regular intakes of friendship. please don't take my neglect personally. i've been negligent across the board... i have been paying for it though.

2006-01-06

sweets



from left to right we have:
aidan, nora, maggie, laurel, and jack.

let's face it.
they totally wreck me.
each in their own special way.
i love this picture b/c it captures a bit of each of their essence.