delayed percolation

lots going on these days.

+++
update (01.31.06):
the doc wants to see me in three months.
no immediate action neccessary.
+++

my melancholy has been flaring up lately. this can be attributed to circumstance and lack of rest.


i got a promotion at work. it happened right before new years. so far it has shrunk my quality of life not widened it. i hope that sixty hour weeks are the exception and not the norm. somehow i've ended up on a career path of print warehousing. who knew?

over the last week- i've been reminded of how very much i hate death and the fall. my mom had an outpatient surgery that has laid her up for a week. she's doing fine- but somehow it stirred past emotion of watching my dad be feeble and sick and caring for him. not only do i truly believe that we were not meant to endure death- we were also not intended to watch it.

but my mom is a model of how to grow old well. she went to a sojourners conference and marched on washington dc for peace over mlk day. but still to watch age take its toll is a wearing process.

more acutely, our family friend lori blew her brains out. she fought off the demons of depression for so long- i guess she just got tired and gave up. she spent a number of holidays with our family and i will miss her. it is so profoundly wrong.

the lump in my breast that was biopsed (benign) this november is back. another friend of our family was diagnosed with stage one breast cancer at thirty eight this week. the final word is still out on mine- but the doctor's seem hopeful that mine is nothing of concern. i went for a follow up tuesday. he wanted me to see the radiologist thursday. we will know more in the coming week- there may be some immediate action they suggest. for the record- mammograms hurt like a bitch- but it didn't touch the needle biopsy. while i would love the solution to include not cutting on my breast again- i also dread the alternatives of 'monitoring' it and having to go through this every three months.

this has all been tabled with the rationale that i don't have the time to experience the feelings and emotions. somehow it is not working. i suppose it's God's mercy for me. but sometimes- feeling can be very inconvenient. but it reminds me that i'm alive.

i remember back in the day that people used to call me intense and passionate. but i think some of my choices and patterns in life mellowed me out. i've actually toned down significantly. age is probably a factor too. sometimes i think it is in my better interest to let things and parts of me remain asleep. i think it is a choice of practicality- i tell myself it is a step in maturity. i am coming to realize that this is an issue of balance and surrender for me and that other stuff i've been telling myself might very well be bullshit. i have been broadsided with the huge role that sugar has played in my 'management' of my emotional life. since i stopped intake- my emotional life has felt more acute. i wish i could say that i've been really good at 'letting the Lord in' on the process. i don't know that i have. i think i've made a habit of avoiding myself lately.

i hope this all doesn't sound too glum. b/c i'm actually in a pretty good mood. overall- i mean. and i think i'm doing ok- there's just a lot going on right now. the things i'm looking forward to are the following:

~ our west african dinner party next weekend.
~ meeting w/ a financial planner this week. we actually have money to save. who'dathunk?
~ a couples massage we are getting for valentine's day.
~ dr. chuck kraft coming to church and starting 3rd yr mentoring.
~ reintroducing regular intakes of friendship. please don't take my neglect personally. i've been negligent across the board... i have been paying for it though.