ten(ish) things in ten years

the start of the new decade made me reflective. so i wrote this post:

here are some of my reflections and events over the last decade of my life. overall, i think the take home for me is the understanding that life is hard. i know- pretty revolutionary huh? i think the 90’s i just thought they were hard for * me *. not for you. but i am seeing more clearly that life is hard on either side of the proverbial fence. it is up to me to give my pains, challenges and hurts to my god and allow him to shape me, give me depth and use those pains, challenges and hurts for the good of other and for his glory. the alternative (bitter and/or cynical) is not pretty.

leaving staff: the decade began with me working with a para-church organization as a campus minister to ethnic students first in new york city. enroute to a transition to chicago with the same organization, my dad got very ill and i didn’t feel comfortable being far from home. i looked into working at ohio state focusing on ethnic students but that didn’t work out. while i loved my job with campus crusade, the decision to leave staff set into motion a whole trajectory change for my life. campus crusade exposed me to wonderful things and places around the world i might never of seen and experienced and likewise the decision to leave gave me opportunities that i might never of had or seen had i stayed with the organization.

my dad dying: my dad was sick for over a year w/ very serious heart disease that eventually affected his entire vascular system. he died slowly over the course of that year. watching my parents ‘do’ his death was very formative. if someone can die well- my parents choices allowed my dad to do it. they took us all on vacation as a family to one of our favorite places. as a couple my mom and dad lived ‘in the moment’ and when my dad finally passed they were at peace with one another and at a good place. i was able to show my dad the honor and respect that he deserved for so many years that i somehow rationalized not giving. i was able to be of help and assistance to him i was able to tie up my loose ends and make the amends i needed to. i still think about him everyday, worry i will forget his voice, and am deeply grateful for the process of grief that has deepened my soul.

getting married: meeting and loving charles is easily the thing that has been the most wonderful thing that has happened in my life and this decade. we got married at a little stone chapel on vanderbilt’s campus where my brother officiated with our family and closest friends. it was a wonderful day and a wonderful start to our life together. i was 31 when we met and feared that i may not ever get married. i married up in so many ways- charles is a incredible man.

being married and staying married isn’t nearly as romantic as i thought it would be. i guess you can’t know until you know. the mundane things of life, the difficulty of owning my own life and choices, and the imperfections of a spouse have forced me to grow spiritually like nothing else in my life. marriage is not for the faint of heart that is for sure! it takes lots of work and passivity just won’t do for us!

having a baby: constance! the joy of the decade. i cannot imagine our home without her spunk, energy and opinions. i liken her in my life like exercise when you first start. you know… your body aches in places and muscles you never knew existed! that’s how i love her. in places and with depth i never knew i even had.

being in graduate school: in this arena i learned that i can do it! i am smart! my graduate school experience has been wonderful. i feel like i have been exposed to people with such similar experiences and outlooks that i never would of known had it not been for my master’s experience.

my experience has also made me angry at the mainstream educational system that allowed me to go for years without discovering that i have something to offer intellectually, that i love to learn and that i could succeed in the academic world.

politics: i feel like this is an area of the pendulum swing for me. it is what it is- and i can’t be somewhere i am not- but needless to say i voted for gwb twice and now blush with embarrassment at the thought. i thought it would be a good idea to campaign on fb for barack obama which in hindsight was not a good idea. what this area of my thinking has revealed to me is that i like to fight too much. i hope this improves and i am less evangelistic or obnoxious at least.

church: this is a decade i fell in love with the church. the capital c church where i cut out my protestant superiority complex and really grew in my appreciation for the role of different organizations, denominations and doctrines. i started the decade with many more answers than questions and end the decade knowing some of the basics like i am loved by god and this love is so supernatural that i don’t need to ration it in my dealings with others- no matter our differences. i know that age has the ability to temper some of the most ardent opinions and i hope this is true for me and allows me to me gracious to people within Christianity and those who do not consider themselves Christians as well.

jobs: this was the decade of jobs for me. i started the decade as a campus minister and end the decade in school fulltime and kinda unemployed. what fills in the middle are a number of jobs that didn’t suit me. i held a number of administrative jobs that nearly stole my will to live (always a sucker for overstating), a grant writer- which i liked but didn’t suit me, worker with kids that was spoiled by my job responsibility to be a debt collector. what did i learn? in our family, it is important for me to find an additional vocation that is viable and meaningful for the long term. and i don’t like to organize my own crap- let alone yours. i also see that my work life has surfaced more of my “issues” than pretty much any area of my life in a not so fun way. but i’m very grateful for all my experiences.

i set out to identify ten things in ten years but only had time to get these down. such is life! the remaining two if i had energy to write about them- is the new found gratitude for the twelve steps and the understanding that i am not always right (news to only me ;))