sick

i've been battling a cold for the better part of a week. now i'm on an antibiotic and i feel better just knowing that i have been through the worst of it and things will look up soon.

can i just say that the world of temporary work is disheartening? it is full of catch 22 situations with no real good solution. i have no paid time off- so that means i can either take time off and not have money or risk burn out (i've been temping for a year) doing a job that is mindless job that is somewhat degrading. it is also unnerving. i have had three long term assignments over the last year. i've held out hope at each of these assignments thinking that i was on the path to be hired. now- mind you; i didn't really like these jobs; but w/ the economy in the crapper- it felt like the only option. so this expectation- to be hired; to put in my time, doing menial tasks, not complaining (honest i haven't), smiling, and kissing up- has stunted an job search for a path that i might actually like. it really bums me out.

not to mention (and if you're wondering how i got on this rant) the lack of health insurance. so when i feel sick, i postpone a visit to the doctor, b/c it's not covered, i get more sick, i miss work- which means i don't get paid- and have to goto the doctor anyways. urrrrrrrrrghhhhhh. and my employer may likely complain that i missed work.

that last part really burns me. here i come to work and do what is asked of me, i'm low maintanance, and am treated like a normal employee- which it is very clear to me that i am not. normal employees have benefits. normal employees have paid time off.

but then i try and remember all the great people that i've met, and all the things that God has taught me, and how i have thankfully (and many times supernaturally) had enough $ to pay my bills.

currently, i am learning what it means to love my enemies. frankly, i don't like what i'm learning at all. but i guess it's what God has for me and what i need. i got to pray for someone who is in this category ("enemy") who found a lump in her breast. i don't know that it made a lot of difference (she still has the lump, is still stressed about it, she still thinks i'm crazy and dislikes me and our relationship is no better). but i'm not sure if the 'difference' was supposed meet those criteria. maybe something in me is changing.

i sure hope i'm changing. sometimes i just want to keel over b/c of how far i have to go- sometimes i feel downright wicked. this is good for me. for the better part of my life- i thought i was supposed to be this unfeeling, no negative emotion deity. that the universe revolved around me and the object of life was not to get hurt or feel anything- especially anything negative. it's one of the main reasons i drank. i had no clue how to deal with emotions. i have felt helpless lately to my feelings of cynicism, jealousy, worry, control, and have felt grateful for the reminder that these things are a sign that i am alive and not dead. and now, even though i've been sober for over 12 yrs.; i still feel overwhelmed by feelings. but now, i can do something about it (who can deliver me from this body of death? rom. 7:something). i can repent, and surrender and look for ways to change my thinking.

apparently i had a lot to say today. i had no idea. i knew i wanted to get something down and just started pecking away at the keyboard. who knew?