things you probably didn't know about me and some other stuff

: i have a weakness for all things espinoge.
: i want people to think i'm laid back- but i'm actually pretty uptight.
: i always play like i hate chains but i love walmart and can't resist the prices.
: i did a break job on my fox and lived to tell about it. i consider it a badge of honor for my womanhood.
: i've been trying to think of a subtle way to work that into a blog post- but i'm throwing cuation to the wind and i'm just writing it- shamelessly.

in other news:
: one of the things that excites me most about constance's arrival is watching charles be a dad. i think i might fall in love w/ him all over.
: christmas was great. my brother and his family came. they didn't stay long enough- but it was fun nonetheless.
: i finally like our house. i have always liked our house (the bones of it atleast)- but it's finally painted and feels more like ours. i didn't anticipate it taking so long. it suprised me.

today's chewable vitamin...

"the job of the artist is always to deepen the mystery."
~ francis bacon

funny thing #187 about being preggers...

waking myself up from a dead sleep b/c i'm snoring or snorting.

preganancy is not for the faint at heart people.

on having a girl... constance ebele

so- we're having a girl. i already mentioned it but it has consumed my thoughts of late.

we're excited. but when i think about it too much i get kinda scared. here are some things that i have been thinking about lately.

i found some comfort in the thought of having a boy b/c if i had a baby boy i would pass off half my mistakes in raising him with the excuse, 'how am i supposed to know? i'm a girl.' but w/ a girl i feel more pressure to know what i'm doing*.

nikki told me a story recently about her girls getting the shaft from other little girls and it dawned on me that i've forgotten how mean girls can be to each other. i work with lots of men and my closest relationships with women are safe and whole. even the relationships w/ women that aren't whole or are in some state of disarray- it's not b/c someone is just plain mean spririted. but i've forgotten that i had to pass through all that to get here. and granted- it was worth it b/c my freindships are prized gift of mine- one i' thought i'd never have- but omg- constance is going to have to do all that. it's mortifying really. mortifying to think of our little girl is going to have her feelings hurt by other little girls. it is also daunting to think that i am going to have to parent her through all those hurt feelings.

i don't remember talking about my feelings getting hurt much growing up. which could explain a lot about the long road it has taken me to do it (that i'm still on) as an adult and deal w/ disappointment and feeling left out or whatever. i think i was just busy doing something else and didn't pay attention to my feelings. i'm sure some of that is the environment i grew up in (for better or worse) and the different things our family went through when i was young. but thinking about how to provide an environment like that for constance is intimidating.

i guess this is the kind of stuff you hear people talking about when they say parenthood peels back another layer of how dependent we really are on Jesus. it's just a matter of how much we yeild to that reality and access the power of the Spirit in parenting i suppose. this all sounds good- but i really have no idea what i'm talking about- it's just seems like more and more of a reality. just like when people tell you marriage is a lot of work- you can't know until you actually do it and find yourself bitching about the smell of liver and sardines reaks on the house or something equally mundane and trite(not that i've ever done that).

speaking of equally mundane and nerve racking things that float in my head- what kind of hair will constance have? i've been praying that she gets the best of both charles' and my features. there's a new guy at work cleon- who does hair on the side- i'll have to ask him what shampoo to use for a baby. how will i learn to tame it? when do people start w/ braids? how expensive are braids? how do you wash braids?

in the meantime i'm trying to find a piece of artwork for constance's room from a nigerian woman artist and something cool w/ sojourner truth. i don't know if i should give it to someone to photoshop it and andy warhol it- or if a nicely framed print will suffice. i do wonder how we will navigate all the culture nuances of being nor only bi-racial but from two different cultures. we're trying to bring my mother in law here this spring to be with us for some months. this is both wonderful and stressful to consider. it is comforting b/c it's very very important to me that charles' family know that i love him being nigerian and i don't want america to beat it out of him. it will also help b/c we want constance to have an integrated sense of her heritage and having christiana with us get us off on the right foot. but you know i haven't really had the pleasure/opportunity/ neccessity of navigating the legendary mother in law relationship. we jkust talk on the phone once a month and chuckle at eachother's feeble attempts to speak english/igbo.

the good news is that i don't think i'll have to deal w/ any of that manipulative bull that we americans pull on each other in our families. more than likely- i won't ever wonder what my mother in law thinks about my mothering style (unless i choose to)- she'll just come right out and tell me i'm doing it wrong. and then i can tell her that i'm not, thank her for her input, ask her to be quiet and move on. easier said than done... but we'll see. i actually appreciate that about nigerian culture. for the most part- it is what you see is what you get.

these are my thoughts this day.

hope you had a good weekend.

* i should say that i'm the type that if we were having a boy i would be freaking out about that too. i have an unusual talent to stress about just about anything.

world aids day

i have reached my quota of downer stories about africa. i read a story in a major publication that sent me over the edge. i read these desperatley awful stories and see pictures of kids w/ no shoes and snot on their face and wonder- 'who are these people publishing these stories?' if i read one more i might jump off a cliff.

the article today was the relationship between hiv/aids infection and pedolphilia in african culture. granted- this is from a publication i can think of one time in the last five years where i read of an equally well covered and long story about american's addition to child pornogrpahy.

i am sick of it.

part of me is sick of it b/c charles has told me on several occassions how rare of an instance it is for a pedophile to exist let alone continue to live in a community. they kill people for that shit where charles comes from. but somehow- this makes the front page today? it's bullshit. it's bullshit b/c i don't beleive it refleccts the norm and it's bullshit b/c consider the source... i would fathom that our fellow citizens make up 75% of the sex tourist patronage in the world amongest little kids. but somehow we as a country collectively publish, read and perhaps believe w/o a thought about those poor african bastards who are spreading aids.

don't get me wrong. there are devastating stories about africa but there are hopeful ones too. and i think i'm going to find some and write about them here. and people like kirsten, lyndi, charles and me might make our own hopeful stories some day and put an end to explotative downer stories that contribute to america's condesending and disgustingly opprotunisitc views of the continent.

it is just now dawning on me that i'm going to raise a kid in this society (i know- i'm a slow learner) and that constance ebela will have to navigate through people's misconceptions and ignorance. all in the face of appauling hypocricy amongest those from majority culture that judge what is developed and undeveloped. what is civilized and uncivilized.

and i think the idea of being a parent (or one of them) is to model how one should deal with those misconceptions, ignorance and hypocricy. prayerfully constance will deal w/ it more gracefully than her mom.

god have mercy.

chewable vitamin:
"true dignity is never gained by place, and never lost when honors are withdrawn."
~ phillip massinger