chewable vitamin...

"never give in--never, never, never, never, in nothing great or small, large or petty, never give in except to convictions of honour and good sense."
~ sir winston churchill, speech, 1941, harrow school

lifting mood
my serotonin levels are increasing. i love the sun. i have missed you sun. please stay.

stressed
my car caught on fire this morning. it was funny and tragic all at the same time. i am fine. i will live. the fox will live.

it may be true that money doesn't make you happy (although i'm unsure that i buy that completely); but it certainly makes your life a lot easier.

chewable vitamin:

"i do not pray for success, i ask for faithfulness... do not wait for leaders; do it alone, person to person."
~ mother teresa

why the hague tribunal is a crock of shit:**
by me.

is the answer...

a. b/c it's actually called the vague tribunal.
b. b/c the UN is simply a rouge to cover the formation of a one world government to lead to the uprising of the antichrist and blah blah blah.
d. b/c a frenchman is the president.

maybe the tribunal isn't a joke- but it's hard to take them seriously.

one example of the tribunal's work can be seen in the trial of a man named radislav krstic. this tyrant was responsible for what happened in 1995 srebrenica (7000 muslim men were executed). he was given a 40 some year sentence. what a joke!

now slobo milosovic has highjacked the tribunal and dragged out his trial with *the dog ate my home work* kind of excuses.

within the last year, the UN was angry with the US government for not subjecting our military to the jurisdiction of the tribunal. if i remember correctly; it was tied to cooperation/ support of action in iraq. (if anyone knows what i'm talking about; please fill in my blanks). i couldn't find references to this situation.

here's a brief history of the tribunal. it has nobel roots in the nuremberg trials after WWII to try Naizis.

an alternative that i find interesting/ encouraging revolves around apartheid. it involves prison time, and money to those that suffered. it is a sovereign government that is implementing it. i realize the balkans aren't as stable as south africa. but it still is a pretty intriguing forum.

i think war crimes are terrible and need to be taken seriously. they need a serious forum. i'm pretty sure that i'm in favor of a worldwide court. i think that it should include prosecuting governments that had the power to intervene but instead; stood by and watched it happened and decided it wasn't their problem.

i'm not always this serious.

** if my rant has offended you; please except my apologies, take two lighten up pills and call me in the morning.

this evening...
we went to baja fresh b/c i had this coupon that fed us both for $2. can't beat that. talked, laughed and had a great time just being. then we went to half price books. it was actually a disappointing trip! it's the first time i can remember in a very long time being let down by the selection (or better said- the quality of the selection). NO books on rwanda (see post from tuesday)? weird. all told- we actually got out of there in less than an hour. a record for me.

change gears
i want to begin a practice to post quotes that i like. the reason for their selection may vary widley. they could be silly- to make me laugh b/c i'm taking myself too seriously at the given moment. for the most part, i find myself appreciating words from people who've gone before me that address topics that require bravery or that provide somesort of impetus to move. i should mention that i'd like to post images as well of art that i like or that makes me think- but i can't seem to figure out how to do that. this guy tried to teach me last week on AOL IM but it doesn't archieve and i forget what he said and now i can't do it... but i've gotten off track-

i'll call this portion the "chewable vitamin". chewable b/c it may be thought-provoking; and vitamin b/c it will hopefully move me, and perhaps you towards action or change.

ofcourse- as you can probably guess- this is not an original idea. i've borrowed it. but i gave up being original awhile ago when i discovered i couldn't be... plus, people often say stuff of meaning way better than me. so here we go...

chewable vitamin
"a peaceful man does more good than a learned man...
he who knows best how to suffer will enjoy the greater peace, because he is the conqueror of himself, the master of the world, a friend of Christ, and an heir of heaven."

~ thomas a'kempis

last couple days

i've had an eventful couple of days. i had a stressful weekend with some enjoyable highlights. seeing the kay's was great. laying in bed on what seemed like an endless saturday morning; candles lit, surrounded by books, and cacooned in my down comforter was wonderful as well.

sunday, i threw (in conjunction w/ my oldest girlfriend laurie) a baby shower for jess. we had it at my mom's and i think it went fairly well. the measurement is that jess felt loved and special (at least she said she did).

one thing that i have noticed is that when there is a significant accumulation of snow; i feel as though i am in a movie- watching myself travel through life. snow insulates sound and everything seems to happen in slow motion. me gusta snow. best yet, charles is making lotsa bones off the snow.

insomnia

last night, i did not sleep well. i arrived home and watched a show on the history channel that was very disturbing.

it was about the serb guerilla leader arkan. he was directly responsible for much of the genocide that happened in the early to mid 1990's in the Balkan wars. he is dead now and speculation surrounding his asasignation was tied to this monster. more on him in a moment.

both these guys are really bad dudes.

it just got me thinking about american foreign policy. then i got nauseated. then i couldn't goto sleep. i know that there is valor in non aggression and pacifism and that it has a big role in the history of the evangelical church. but our country's previous policies of isolationism that allows for the genocide of whole people groups is not noble. it is self serving.

if you are reading this and want to ask me if i think america should be the world's police man- the answer is yes. i think we should stick up for the little guy. nobody else does.

the cliche "never again"- referring to the pacifism/isolationism that allowed the holocaust to happen tires me. not b/c i disagree with it- but b/c it has already happened again. our government knowingly avoids (with other able bodied countries) conundrums out of self preservation all the time. case in point. 800,000 people dead in a matter of months. within the last decade it has happened again and continues to happen (although i am not literate enough in world affairs to cover them all here- but i found a site i will be poking around for awhile).

and by the way- i don't mean to sound like i'm bashing all american policy. i actually love being american. i really do.

this may sound like a rant- but please interject if i should be think about this from another angle. i don't have my mind all made up- even though this post may lead you to believe that i do...

coming soon-
why the hague tribunal is a crock of shit.

shameless plug
i'm dating a wonderful man who recently moved into town so that we could be together. charles is from nigeria and we are facing a variety of challenges.

if you have (or know of a living situation) that is available for little to no cost (or for a trade of service), for a month or more; please let me know in the comment section.

if you have (or know of someone who does) a work situation where he could be paid in cash (odd jobs, work for an independently owned buisness etc); please let me know in the comment section.

thanks!

++++++++

plenty to write about but not time to do it. will write more this evening or tomorrow...

state of my union:

as i sit and consider the state of my spirit I get kind of depressed.

i know that i only have this polaroid camera view of spirituality. i can be terribly simplistic and formulatic in my faith. this is tough for me to admit. i want to be a modern mystic that says all kinds of fantastic things that are profound and ethereal.

but the truth is that my life (both outer and inner) don’t look like what i want them to look. i try to wake up and pray. i’d like to study more than do; i wish it was easier to tell the truth. i’d like to treat money like it belongs to God. but the reality is; so much of my aspirations fall short. the ones that i do ‘fulfill’; i expect to produce more inward change than they accomplish.

the only thing I can say is simply- that I think that I get what it means a little bit more this year than I did last year- that God loves me no matter what…

this year, i have learned a bit more about what it means to take responsibility for my choices rather than being chronically pissed at the world. i guess i think of that as influencing my spiritual health.

the other thing that has dawned on me through the entrance of charles into my life is the reminder that i’m not always right. the way that I look at things; my perspective and the like- i can often be wrong. i know- i know- i look like an egocentric fool- but yeah- i wasn’t fooling anyone anyways. being grounded in the reality that I have a margin of error has helped me move closer to right sized- and that’s always a good thing for God’s stage in my life.

the last thing is this- I am learning to ‘live life on lifes terms’. this is an invaluable phrase that is used in AA. i love it. it helps me to remember that God intended for me to live in reality- and not in my altered state (being drunkenness or sober delusion). God wants me to live my life the way it is- not the way that i wish it was. in being present in the moment; accepting God’s script instead of my own; i get to see cool things, and watch Him change me- little by little. i want monumental change in me- i want world-changing influence. i have lots of grandiose thoughts about what God should do with me.

He wants my fidelity; He wants my love. He wants me to love others. even when there is no gain or stroke for me. even when people steal from me and mock me.

i outlined a manifesto of sorts that covers each major relationship in my life. while i wouldn't feel comfortable posting it for the world to read (although at this point it's only myt mom and anne reading this probably); i'll give you a taste.

in the year to come, i would like my life to take steps towards these ends:

+ i will focus on basics of my faith- repentance, forgiveness and selfless love. i will avoid spiritual bells and whistles.

+ i want to integrate creativity into my spiritual life again. i will make space for art making.

+ i will reject the lie and repent of the thought that i don't fit in anywhere.

+ i will not allow the fact that i have no money effect my giving. i will look for chances to give my money away to those not as fortunate as me. money is not my master.

+ i will work all 12 steps.

this is the state of my union.

an eventful week..

in the world of politics.

have not spoken with my mom. she is probably bummed on many accounts. her man dropped out of the race. in addition, last nights speech probably has her on a rampage. my bet is she refused to listen to it. she really has taken a distinct disliking to bush.

i guess i think kerry will make the race more competitive and therefore- more interesting as well.

i listened to the speech last night. i thought it was ok.

can i just say that i really like the fact that our election system includes caucuses? i think it's important that there be a discourse. not only between tim russert and a political candidate; but between a common citizen and the political candidate.

there's an interesting european perspective to read here. i really like this publication. if i made more money- i would make it a subscription. there is a link w/in the economist article to learn more about the primary process. in addition, you can click here if your interested in reading more about the history.

my sister...

my sister is very funny and loud. these are the adjectives that charles uses to describe megan. she is many other things too but we will only highlight the uplifting one's here.

megan is many things to many people. she is a mom to a beautiful little gem named laurel. a wife to a gentle man named brian. a daughter to my mom and my dad who has passed. she is adored in many ways and for many reasons.

i could go into the laundry list of reasons why she is loved- there are a lot.

the truth is that my relationship with megan has been quite and journey. she drives me crazy sometimes and i know i do the same for her.

but somehow- i just love her. i love her for who she is and who she is becoming. it seems no matter what we do to piss eachother off- we can't stop loving eachother. which is really nice when you think about it. i know it can border on dysfunctional but i kinda don't care.

i know that God's love for me is unconditional in the purest most whole and healthy way possible. and i know that as i experience His love for me- it allows me to love people the same way. i guess that's my hope for meg and me. that in the experience of the love of God- our love for one another will become more and more whole.

grateful for...

dr. king today.

"Power at its best is love implementing the demands of justice. Justice at its best is love correcting everything that stands against love." ~ Dr. King "Where Do We Go from Here: Chaos or Community?", 1967

+++

the emancipation proclamation
excerpts:

"...And by virtue of the power and for the purpose aforesaid, I do
order and declare that all persons held as slaves within said
designated States and parts of States are, and henceforward shall
be, free; and that the Executive Government of the United States,
including the military and naval authorities thereof, will
recognize and maintain the freedom of said persons.

And I hereby enjoin upon the people so declared to be free to
abstain from all violence, unless in necessary self-defence; and
I recommend to them that, in all case when allowed, they labor
faithfully for reasonable wages...

And upon this act, sincerely believed to be an act of justice,
warranted by the Constitution upon military necessity, I invoke
the considerate judgment of mankind and the gracious favor
of Almighty God."

Amendment XIII
Section 1. Neither slavery nor involuntary servitude, except as a punishment for crime whereof the party shall have been duly convicted, shall exist within the United States, or any place subject to their jurisdiction.

+++
it seems like this issue represents so much of life and its process. we have come so far- closer to freedom, equality and justice. but yet we have so so far to go.

it vexes me.

monday mornings
addicted.... a new fav.

listening to macy gray. wish she would get straight. she always sounds like such a cooky junkie on her interviews. case in point.

incredible night
God gave me a gift tonight. we went to the addictions confrence at church tonight. i expected it to be a yawn- but went willingly hoping that charles could meet some more folks from the kinship we're at... basically- id didn't want to be there at all.

but i met up with my first best friend who was also at the confrence. we did a lot of illegal activity while friends.

she is seven days clean. she's been in over a dozen treatment programs, recently moved into her first apartment after being on the street for three years and has fought a vicious heroin addiction for over five years.

i'm so happy she's alive. so touched that God would make our paths cross. so glad that i went to the confrence i didn't want to goto. so grateful that i'm reminded that i can never allow jesus to be a hobby. i am glad for moments of clarity that allow me to see that my faith life was not simply life and death at the moment of conversion. my life depends on Him.

"Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life." ~ jn.6.68

if someone barfs on me
by me

if someone barfed on me- i would barf right back on them. no questions asked. it would be involuntary. if you're ever going to throw up- please try and tell me ahead of time so i can avoid you. merciful? i know...

i have had domino effect vomitting since i was a young lass. i can't help it.

while in elementary school i used to interview my friend's parents to discover what they did just prior to barfing. so i would know when to run.

this kinda freaked me out

my friend annie

my friend annie is soooooooo funny. she has a quirky personality that is matched with wit and intelligence. she does have some weird taste though... but i still love her.

she actually made this website b/c she is a rabid happy days fan. she tells me that she used to obsessed over potsie- but has apparently seen some significant healing in this area of her life. she does, however, insist that she will name any first born son, "anson".

she has some other wierd traits too:

** she collects all things strawberry shortcake and lists this as her favorite website...
** she spams old boyfriends with cheesy email devotionals that highlight many precious moments...
** she googles people's names from near and far to pass time at work...
** she once was dragged out of a john mccain rally for screaming "GIVE Us A LIVABLE WAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

but i love her deeply and hope this post makes her smile for a bit...

welcome to my blog annie b.

sorted
sometimes i am at a loss as to what to write on this blog. i don't have a ton of content or deep thoughts these days. my days are often pretty mundane and it seems laborious to rehash it to fill up space.

i do have things i am mulling over in my mind. i don't know if this is the forum to lay them out. it's not that they are too private- it's that they are not neatly arranged for presentation. i need clarity of thought to even lay out the things that are flowing through my head.

i am thinking a lot about money lately and it's role in my life. i know it is too important to me- and i often feel ashamed with it even entering the process of my thinking with a potential future with charles. his instability (not b/c he is flighty or irresponsible- but b/c of circumstances and the patriot act) make it difficult to know what i should do. i find myself avoiding talking about it with him or others b/c:

~ i feel ashamed about weighing this heavily.
~ i don't know if there is a solution that i like.
~ i don't want anyone to tell me that the right solution and have it be waiting four years until we can get married.

i will say that i really dislike the route immigration law has taken in our country. don't get me wrong- i really love being an american. i know that's not very cool or in- but it's true. among other things, i am grateful that we have a government that wants to protect it's citizens- even when i disagree with the solutions proposed in legislation and whatnot. i know that the motive to protect our country is not simply altruistic. i know there is political self preservation- but still. i'm grateful.

i just regret that there are elements within our society that either:
have short term memory, forgetting the history of how our country was built,
or
remember how our country was built but are so enslaved to fear they don't care or think it doesn't apply.

basically it is nearly impossible for charles to live here with a visitors visa and be self substaining. charles is begging to work and legislation makes it near rocket science to make that happen. it makes me dizzy with frustration.


coming soon...
+ the state of my spirit.
+ what i would do if a child barfed on me
+ shameless plugs for charles

good day
well- my day is over. it was a busy one. i had a pretty steady flow of work come my way today. i met my mom for dinner, and then judy for coffee. it was a good day.

my mom is sad. i hate to see her sad. i love her so much it hurts sometimes. she is a tough cookie though- and given time to digest this diagnosis- i know she will be ok.

it is difficult to see the inevidibility of her aging (although she hardly looks her age); and the thought of watching her deteriorate is something that makes me dizzy with grieve and dread. the fragility of humanity! ughh.

this is me being dramatic. i mean really- this is a woman who could beat me down easily. she walks like a maniac and pumps iron. she's far from fragile. but the news is hard for her- and thus, is hard for me.

the news made her miss my daddy. i miss him too. i miss him for me. for his advice, his perspective, his humor, his love, and his cheering for me. but i miss him most of all for her. she is lonely without him and doesn't have anyone to share this news with... i mean- matt and meg know and i know- but as she pointed out so poignantly-

'it's different to go through stuff with a teammate who tells you; you're going to be alright'

it's not that statement that is profound- it's the context. and i'm just starting to understand that... i just don't want her to be lonely.

12.5
that's how long i've been sober! 12.5 years today. if God can change me- he can change anyone. that is a long time to not drink. God is very very very gracious.

my mom
she got an email yesterday from her doctor's office that her blood work indicates she has rheumatoid arthritis. isn't that an awful email to send? they got alota nerve.

pray for charles today
charles is going here. pray that they would be able to help him navigate the red tape involved in immigration and that their answers would be helpful and clear.

winding down
many nights, after the day is completed and prior to going to bed; i must wind down. this consists of not talking and sitting on the couch and watching tv for a short period of time. last night, my wind down time was met through the history channel's program UFOs: what you didn't know.

according to this program, the U.S. is one of the few countries that does not have a contingency plan for a situation where extra terrestrials come to earth. the show reviewed the military plan that france has for such an occurance.

think about it.

under construction

i had an ‘altercation’ with a stranger recently. i chased a man down the street in my car in my neighborhood and rolled my window down to shout profanities at him. then, not relieved of my fury and fear, i circled the block to see if i could find him and shout at him some more. he had pounded his fist on my car b/c i almost accidentally hit him (he was jogging, it was dark, rainy and my windshield wiper doesn’t work). my guess is that he was scared, and then my response to him pounding on my car was fear… and then chasing him. it was not a pretty sight.

sometimes i get so disheartened by how far i have to go- how under construction i am! i’m so glad that jesus loves me no matter what and that he loves me enough to not leave me how i am!

the good news is that had this happened prior to getting sober and knowing the Lord, i would have:

intentionally aimed for the jogger.

and

caught him while chasing him.

+++please forgive and change me Lord- I need more grace. +++

things I’m for:
the serious and silly intermingled…
by me

~ i’m for everyone having some sort of soundtrack to their life to make things seem dramatic and interesting.
~ i’m for stevie wonder b/c he’s way under-rated.
~ i’m for downing a pixie stick if feeling sluggish at work.
~ i’m for Christians having their kids in public schools.
~ i’m for opinionated people. I think they’re very interesting.
~ i’m for babies. i was one- at one time. they are cute even when disgusting.
~ i’m for the separation of church and state.
~ i’m for the catholics- Protestantism has given it a bad wrap. I was one of these too- well kind of at least. I was 7yrs. old. can you be 7 and be catholic…
~ i’m for asking questions.
~ i’m for the NEA.
~ i’m for raising the minimum wage.
~ i’m for urban renewal.
~ i’m for the cannel’s planting a church in Clintonville- although I don’t know them.
~ i’m for arranging your day to watch the sunset.
~ i’m for aa.
~ i’m for church being more like aa.
~ i’m for changing my status from independent to democrate so I can vote in the primary to do my part to not have dean get the nomination.
~ i’m for pick up kickball games amongst adults. this would promote remembering not to take ourselves too seriously.
~ i’m for the idea that traveling abroad should be a priority for young people. it could broaden the borders and may
help free people of ethnocentricity.
~ i’m for trying to be more laid back about stuff that doesn’t really matter.
~ i’m for coach tressel.
~ i’m for a movement amongst Christians that move to urban settings to live and raise their families.
~ i’m for a less crowded life.
~ i’m for crying.
~ i ’m for laughing.
~ i’m for everyone living some amount of time as a poor person or amongst poor people.
~ i’m pro expensive lipstick. it’s worth it.
~ i’m for installing massage into company benefit packages.
~ i’m pro kissing.
~ i’m for affirmative action.
~ i’m for the jewish tradition of matchmaking. I think that was a good idea.
~ i’m for GenXers who don’t whine about how everyone else has it wrong and we have it right.
~ i’m for trying not to cuss so much.
~ i’m for the socialist party- their people always have interesting things to say.
~ i’m for using public transport- although I seldom use it.

i'm bored

but don't have much to say...

so here's something:

1. How many houses/apartments have you lived in throughout your life?

(10)

grew up in grandview
parents moved to hilliard
lived in the dorms at OSU
lived in ocean city n.j. for a summer.
lived in albania for 1.5 yrs.
lived on w. 7th while finishing OSU.
lived in gramercy park for 2 yrs.
lived on w. 1st avenue for a year.
lived on n. high st. for two.
back in the grandview area

2. Which was your favorite and why?

nyc... why? b/c i lived with great people, in a great place, and i loved my job at the time.

3. Do you find moving house more exciting or stressful? Why?

stressful. b/c packing is tough. organizing is improtant to me- and i don't think of myself as a packrat- but when packing i find out just how behind i am in streamlining my life and keeping organize. then, i try to make up for it, get behind in my packing and end up staying up to all hours of the night for a week. (this is all fresh in my mind from my recent move).

it's also tough to ask people's help for such a crappy task.

4. What's more important, location or price?

ideally- location is more important. at this point in life- price is how i make decisions.

5. What features does your dream house have (pool, spa bath, big yard, etc.)?

a good front porch and hopefully a back porch- condsive to reading, talking to neighboors, hiding keys, drinking lemonade and the like.


++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

1. What vehicle do you drive?

a 1993 vw fox.

2. How long have you had it?

1.5 yrs.

3. What is the coolest feature on your vehicle?

the speedometer makes this crazy loud noise in the winter. worse than a buzzer but better than someone sticking something sharp in my ear.

it also has a full size spare.

4. What is the most annoying thing about your vehicle?

the drivers side seat lever doesn't work to collapse the seat. if toting more than one- passenger must enter through drivers side (it's a two door).

oh... and recently the passenger side windshield wiper stopped working.

5. If money were no object, what vehicle would you be driving right now?

a low mileage vintage volvo (early 70's)

spiritual experience

watching this dvd of U2 live from slane castle was a spiritual experience for me. i love this band, who they are, what they stand for, and their artistry.

my year in review:
the cliff notes

January: wrapped up grad school appliation process.
February: went to interviews for grad school and realized that my heart had hibernated from aspirations for awhile. the fog of my depression began to lift and I was encouraged.
March: found out i didn’t get into grad school and was heartbroken.
April: met a man named Charles
May: began my third decade of life and lived to tell about it.
June: started my current long term temp assignment.
July: i kinda forget what happened this month.
August: realized that i was falling in love w/ the man i met..
September: i went to DC for the first time and met all the old women at Charles’ church with big hats who loved him and told me so...
October: moved to new apartment.
November: charles and i had our first major intense period of time… and i still love him.
December: too close to this month to sum it up in a line.